My Heart and My Love

I can’t stop looking at this picture. I love it so much. I love the people in it more.

On my phone, I keep a picture of my godson, Tralynn, as the background because his smiling face always causes me to pause and smile too. Even when I’m stressed. Even when I’m frustrated. Even when I get a particularly upsetting text message. He’s always there, smiling back at me or just looking strange like “Why you so mad, Nanny?” And I smile. I just can’t help it. And I love that.

And my boyfriend, Chris Taylor. My amazing boyfriend. I’m really lucky to have him in my life. He’s so adamant about how much he’s changed because of me; how I make him want to be a better man. Don’t get me wrong, he was pretty great when I met him, but I do see how he’s changed to dedicate himself to our future. And I couldn’t ask for more.

This picture was taken Christmas day. I bought Tralynn a bike. Lightning McQueen, of course. Before that, my boyfriend put it together for me. I watched him as he laid out the parts and carefully read the instructions and worked with the tools, checking his progress to make sure the bike was safe for my godson. He caught me staring a few times and asked what I was doing. I tried to play it coy and said, “Oh, you’re just being all manly and stuff.” He smiled and grunted like a caveman before going back to work.

As I watched him, I got the strangest feeling: There he was, my boyfriend, the man I love, taking his time and energy to assemble something that would ensure my godson’s happiness. His willingness to do this task for me meant so much. More than he’ll probably ever know. I joked about how macho he seemed working with tools and stuff, but I think that’s because I was trying to keep myself from crying or showering him with appreciation.

When we delivered the bike on Christmas day, Tralynn was so excited. Chris brought it in and before we got inside, Tralynn ran to the door and screamed, “A bike! A bike! Bike!” And I told him it was his bike. He couldn’t wait to jump on his bike, so much so that he began “riding” in the kitchen. Chris and I followed him and tried to teach him how to ride a bike. Tralynn was very excited and determined to learn that day. We took it slow, Chris and I coaching him through the correct foot positions and how to propel himself forward.

Within about 20 minutes, Tralynn had learned to turn one pedal and push himself forward on his bike a few feet. He couldn’t understand the perpetual motion of cycling.. just yet. But it was fun to teach him the basics. Chris was so gentle and patient with Tralynn, holding his feet, supporting him on the bike, telling him to “Walk on it” and that he had to “Use both feet.” Tralynn even learned to turn himself around. And a new phrase: “Move Chris!” I watched the two of them, learning together and really sharing a special moment. My godson and my boyfriend. My heart and my love.

This picture says so much. I loved seeing my boyfriend being so mentoring, so caring, and so great with my godson. At first, I wanted to make sure the two of us were going to make it before introducing him to someone so important to me. Kinda like a divorcee waiting the obligatory 8 months or whatever before introducing her new boyfriend to her kid. I didn’t want to be the type of person who paraded different men around a child like Tralynn (his mother does enough of that). But I’m so glad I found someone like Chris. Someone who seems to get along with my godson, because he’s very important to me.

The experience this picture captured is best Christmas present I could have ever asked for. And I’m so happy to have it.

.:~o*’Kaylyn’*o~:.

Final Countdown

Da da daaa
da da da da
da da daaaa
da da da da da da
da da daaa...

Okay, that part was ridiculously hard to transcribe. But seriously, it's final's week. And for me, that means final finals. Le gasp!

So, here I am, Kaylyn.. completing college in less than a week. Kaylyn, who can't remember how to do simple high school geometry for work. Kaylyn, who still can't spell despite over 10 years of schooling and (very) soon a degree in English. Kaylyn, who watched two hours of Regular Show and laughed her ass off like it was Frasier. The girl who bought the Victorious album and blasts it in her car. The girl who kicks ass in Just Dance.. even when she's playing a 5, 7, and 10 year old (no mercy!). Sigh.. yeah, that girl. She's about to be post-grad.

I suppose I thought I'd feel different. More accomplished. More deserving. More educated. But, in truth, I still feel like the same girl I was 5 years ago. I'm just not sure how to feel about that.

All I've ever wanted to do was write. Quite honestly, I haven't been doing much of that lately either.. but that's for another post. In order to write, I was told I had to go to college, continue my education. It wasn't an option. And because of that, I guess I suppose I thought ending it would feel.. better.

I mean, yes, college had offered me opportunities I wouldn't have otherwise. But in one year, I've managed to have two of the biggest accomplishes of my life. I've been to England. I've graduated college. The only thing left is to publish a book... Although I'm not holding my breath on that one.

When my sister got married, people asked how she felt afterwards. She said, "I dunno, I just thought I'd feel different. Taller, even. Or something." I didn't understand what she meant then, but now I think I do.

I'm just not ready to graduate college. I'm not even sure what it means to be ready for something like that.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.