I'm not good at a lot of things: I'm lazy, apathetic, and flaky. I forget. A lot. Despite my current employment, I suck at math. Hard. (Thanks again, Rachel!) I'm uncoordinated. I stumble, run into things, fall down. I've even been told "I wouldn't call the way you move dancing." Though that last one may have been a compliment...
I like to call myself a writer but I haven't published anything or even completed a project that wasn't for a grade. And most of those have been close calls. Or late altogether. I don't even have the balls to submit anything for professional critique.
Still, I can't help but feeling like I'm capable of something more.
This morning, I was in the library and found myself looking at grad schools. Again. UNO to be exact. While glossing over the admission requirements, I felt a certain sense of excitement and temptation. But I also felt lost and overwhelmed. And a little guilty.
For so much of my life - in fact all of it, I've been told what to do; pointed in the right direction. I became secure with that. I daresay I'm dependently secure in it. Now, it seems like all those guiding forces have left me and I'm completely and utterly lost. Alone. Confused. I don't know what I should do. I don't know what I want.
What do I want?
What do I want?
What the fuck do I want?
Such a question...
Even if I knew what I wanted, I don't know how to get it. I'm not even sure I have the ability to get what I want. I've never had to make decisions before. Can I be trusted to plan my future? How will I know it's right? Is there a wrong way?
I've been bred as a creature of submission: Tell me what to do and I'll do it. Give me parameters, restrictions and I'll perform well. Very well. It's part of being a Virgo. It's part of being a younger sibling. It's part of being the daughter of a protective mother. It's who I am. It's all I know.
Just do what you want.
That would be sound advice, if only I knew what I wanted...
.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.
2 comments:
I feel the very same. Even at work, sometimes I just need to be pointed at the right direction. And I am very much lazy, and all those things you mentioned. I really just don't know how to make myself do things that I need to do. I know what must be done and what I want in my life. The problem is that I can't find motivation to do it.
Such is life, we grow and learn. I guess the best we can do is to pray for strength.
Thank you, Chih. As always, your words are a comfort and your faith inspirational. :)
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