Hello Old Friend

Wow. Two posts in one month! There was a time when I would have considered that unacceptable. Now, I'm actually impressed with myself for taking time to write again. I've been so busy. I've been so tired. I've been.. highly unmotivated. I know that's not an excuse. I can't say I want to pursue a career in writing one day and then neglect something as easy as freewritng for myself. There's no excuse. I don't have to churn out something spectacular each time. I just have to try.

God, I hate my job so much. Really, I do. At first, I was excited about the prospect of having that big, post-graduate, 9a-5p job. But this is nothing more than a temp assignment that's driving me insane. The stress is more than I'm accustomed to dealing with. More than I think I can handle. I'm crying more, sleeping less and drinking... Well, let's just say there's only liquor and water in fridge at home. I know my health is suffering because of this job. I wake up tired, I don't sleep well at night, and I'm having more and trouble focusing throughout the day. On the drive to work, there's this billboard that reads: "1 in 3 people will die of heart disease this year." I pass that sign everyday on the way to work and think, I'll probably be one of those three. I'll probably have a heart attack at 27. Or develop some stress-related heart condition as a result of this job. And for what? I have nothing to show for it other than the amazing people I work with. But everyone is looking for another job. It's odd. I feel like I've been tricked.

On top of that, I feel like I'm failing in my personal relationships as well. I don't communicate well, if at all. I have trouble opening up. I build walls. I reinforce them. I reinforce the reinforcements. So I have all these things building inside of me with no hope of release. I drink myself into a numbness nearly every night and start over in a few hours. It's like a reset button. Although, it's not really a clean slate each morning. The problems are still there. It's more like a save button. I just clear off whatever's bothering me and store it somewhere else. It's not healthy, or so I've been told. But it's all I know. It's how I've learned to deal. There's nothing worse than being "that girl". The one who always wants to talk about fer feelings. The one who's too insecure to function.

I may be that girl, but I don't want to be known as that girl.

I need a vacation. From life.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

If These Walls Could Talk

I was cleaning off my desktop and found this picture...



Well, I say "clean", I guess I mean more so.. sort. It's still more than halfway cluttered with old files and icons. Like this picture. Anyway..

This picture may not look like much.. But it's the sum of a lifetime's work, dedication, and perseverance.. And it's the site where I've had some of my fondest memories. It's like a dream.. But looking at this picture reminds me that it's just wood, metal, plaster, and brick. What makes this picture so special--this place so special, is what it's become. How I feel when I'm there. Not the walls, but how I feel inside them.

I think captain Jack Sparrow said it best: "That's what a ship is, you know. It's not just a keel and a hull and a deck and sails, that's what a ship needs but what a ship is... what the Black Pearl really is... is freedom. "

Yeah, that's it. Freedom.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Cubicals, calls, and stuff--oh my!

Okay, so I actually ran out of stuff to list for the title, but this is the obligatory new job post. That's right, I finally got my big post-grad, big girl job. Which, I guess if I were much of an adult, I wouldn't refer to it as that, but eh.

As of Wednesday, I'm training to become part of the Resolutions Team for Home Depot's corporate office. That means I'm issuing customer concessions and solving problems for the biggest home store in the world! Omg. Right now, I'm basically just listening in on phone calls (complaints) and watching the other members of the team do their work. I did get to key in a few gift cards, but more on that later.

So, day one:

There are 4 of us from the recruiting firm (it's not a temp agency, it's a recruiting firm) who started in Resolutions. We arrived at the large concrete and glass building at 8a like we were told and waited in the lobby for someone to give us further instructions. And although we're all young adults (actually, one girl told me she's 28), we were like children on the first day of kindergarten. The room was silent. Every time someone came through the door, we picked our heads up hoping they were coming for us. Most people just breezed through with a kind smile before swiping their keycard and moving through the door at the back of the lobby. We were silent. And scared.

Melissa, a Supervisor from our department, finally came in at about 8:05a (though it felt like we had been waiting much longer) and retrieved us like we were the last kids at daycamp. "I'm sorry," she said hurriedly like she had just ran down the six flights of steps it would have taken to get from Resolutions to the lobby. "They told me you all would arrive this morning but I didn't know where to find you." No one said anything. She motioned us to follow her and we did.

We all herded into the elevator and Melissa pressed 6. The top floor. The elevator is half glass, so I watched as we slowly ascended into the air. The elevator slowed feet from the ceiling and then lurched to level with the floor. We all filed out after Melissa and followed her into the office.

The office floor was about what I expected: a large room filled with cubicles and people buzzing around doing work. Melissa then began assigning us to employees to shadow for the day. I was assigned to Ammie. She was very nice and enthusiastic. I liked working with her. Under her. Watching her. She has the efficiency of an elementary school teacher: very patient and always smiling.

At 10a, though, it was time for Ammie to go to lunch. Since I didn't know any of the other temps, I just went to the large break room on the third floor (which Ammie showed me)and read my book. Alone. Because it was so early in the morning, I guess no one else was on lunch so it was pretty empty. Which I didn't mind; I always value good reading time.

When I got back, Melissa informed me that I'd be moving to someone else's desk. She wanted Ammie to work on another task. So I moved to work with Lakesha. Everyone calls her Kesha though (like Keisha, not Ke$ha). She was more comfortable than Ammie. She joked around with the other team members and was way more relaxed. I guess she's been there longer. Anyway, I did some work with her and then I had to move again.

This time it was Carlos. There was already another temp with Carlos, but he let me sit in. It was a little cramped with three people in big rolly chairs--wow, I just realized I typed "rolly chair" and not office chair--into one cubicle. Carlos is what you would call a class clown. He moved around the office talking and joking. It was interesting. I can't really say I learned much from shadowing Carlos. But it was still interesting.

So, yeah, that's about how it's going so far. I'm excited to have a 9-to-5 and be all corporate America-y. Actually, it's 8a-5p, but yeah.

More to come! (hopefully)

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

You're Welcome

Here we go.

My annual Thanksgiving post.

As I sit here, in my aunt and uncle's house, watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade (yes, cliche, but that's what the holidays are all about right?), exhausted from the drive to Dallas, I'm still really happy and thankful.

I'm so lucky for the people in my life. My family. My friends. But I've realized that the reason I've got such great people in my life is because I surround myself with greatness. And that's only possible when one's pretty great themselves. So, if I'm half as awesome as my friends, I must be doing something right.

There are so many people I could put in this post. If you're reading this, then yes I am very thankful to have you in my life. Every year, I notice that some people are dropped from the list and more are added. But some people remain. I'm so happy to have such a loyal group of core friends. Y'all are amazing, really. And I know I'm a better person for knowing each and everyone of you.

So, this year, I'm saying thank you and you're welcome. Thank all of you for being in my life and if I bring just a fraction of joy to your life as y'all have brought to mine, then I must be doing something right.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Been Awhile...

Oh wow. Where have I been? This semester has definitely been stressful. Trying to keep all my relationships in tact while not tanking my gpa in the process. So much of me just wants to say "Fuck it" and wait it out for another semester. Doesn't seem so bad. But so much planning and preparation had gone into a winter graduation. My mother is proud of me which I admit is pretty nice for once.

But when I'm pretty stressed, out of ice cream, liquor (note to self: remedy soon), and not enough time to watch Man in the Iron Mask, I turn to my blog. Because at least here, I know I can vent without fear of retribution or judgement.

So... here goes..

I hate who I am sometimes. I saying "This is what I want." Makes me feel like a bitch. Like, who am I to demand things from the universe? What have put into it? And everything I have put into it wasn't for my own benefit... Was it?

This guy at work is constantly doing nice things: taking shifts, staying late, volunteering his time to the rec, etc. He says he's "building up good karma" and one day, he plans to "cash out." I don't know if I agree with that thinking. But I do think every once in a while I should be able to say what I want and not feel bad about it.

But I do.

And I feel horrible about it. I want you to do things like we discussed, like we planned for. Us. Together. But at what cost? And am I willing to pay it to get what I want?

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Edge of Grace

So today my former creative writing teacher, Christa Allan, released her second novel, Edge of Grace. On the heels of her debut novel, Walking on Broken Glass, this one explores another dark corner torn from Christa's own personal experiences with the blinding light of faith.

On top of my excitement for Christa, the release of this work forces me to examine my own goals and progress. Or lack thereof.

I think part of the reason I'm so happy for Christa is because she is living proof that it can happen: You can be published. Dreams can come true. However, the flipside of that coin is the fact that I haven't done it yet. Not even close. But I know I can do it.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel myself on the "edge of grace", so to speak and I'm just waiting for a push into the murky waters of authorhood. I don't know what form this push will come in (life experience, tragedy, brush with death, happiness), but I'm eager to meet it.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Cheez-It!

As you all know, I don't do notes on Facebook. But I love Chih, so here ya go:

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 Truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

NAME: Kaylyn Hawkins

Age: 20

BIRTHDATE: 09/20/1990

PRESENT ADDRESS: Varies. :P


WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage = Moscato
2. last phone call = Margan
3. last text message = Chris Taylor
4. last song you listened to = Does the Law&Order theme song count?
5. last time you cried = Mid-semester nervous break-down. Wasn't pretty.

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice = Regrettably.
7. been cheated on = Yes.
8. kissed someone & regretted it? = Only the timing. ;)
9. lost someone special = Yes
10. been depressed = No.
11. been drunk and threw up = Haha. Yes. Welcome to college!

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Blue
13. Blue
14. Blue

LAST YEAR (2010), HAVE YOU:

15. Made a new friend = Many!
16. Fallen out of love = No.
17. Laughed until you cried = Nearly everytime.
18. Met someone who changed you = Doesn't everyone?
19. Found out who your true friends were = Always knew.
20. Found out someone was talking about you = They always are.
21. Kiss anyone on your friends list = Not all I'd like. ;)

GENERAL:
22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life = A lot.
23. Do you have any pets = Sadly, no.
24. Do you want to change your name = Maybe my last name. ;)
25. What did you do for your last birthday = Go to Harry Potter land!!
27. What time did you wake up today = Too late.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = Watching tv.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = LONDON!!!
30. Last time you saw your mother = Too long.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = Nothing. I love it.
32. What are you listening to right now = Family Guy episode.
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? Ugh. Unfortunately.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now = I'm almost out of wine, but not questions.
35. Last visited webpage = facebook.com
37. Nickname = Many.
38. Relationship status = Taken.
39. Zodiac Sign = Aptly, Virgo.
40. He or She = Me!
41. Elementary = Been there, done that.
42. High School = Doesn't count.
43. College = Hell.
44. Hair color = Brown.
45. Long or short = Long. ;)
46. Height = 5'4"
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = Yes.
48. What do you like about yourself? = Pass.
49. Piercings = God, no!
50. Tattoos = Absolutely not.
51. Righty or Lefty = Righty.

FIRSTS:
52. First surgery = Wisdom teeth removal?
53. First piercing = Ears as a baby.
54. First best friend = Martika Wilkins.
55. First sport you joined = Gymnastics/Dance.
56. First vacation = Can't remember.
57. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> = ???????????????
58. First pair of trainers = I'll let you know when I come back from England.

RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating = Nothing.
60. Drinking = Wine! We've been over this. :P
61. I'm about to = Do something naughty.
62. Listening To = Commercials from said Family Guy episode.
63. Waiting for = Chris Taylor to get off.

YOUR FUTURE:
64. Want kids? = Only if they're adopted.
65. Get Married? = We'll see.
66. Career? = Graduate?

WHICH IS BETTER:
67. Lips or eyes = Eyes.
68. Hugs or kisses = If we're talking Hersey's, Hugs all the way.
69. Shorter or Taller = Eh.
70. Older or Younger = -no comment- ;)
71. Romantic or Spontaneous = Spontaneously romantic.
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = How about a nice face?
73. Sensitive or Loud = Real.
74. Hook-up or relationship = Relationship.
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = Only trouble is interesting.

HAVE YOU EVER:
76. Kissed a stranger = Not yet. ;)
77. Drank hard liquor = Yes.
78. Lost Glasses/ Contacts = Nope.
79. Sex on first date = Nope.
80. Broken someones heart = Yes.
81. Had your heart broken = Yes.
82. Been arrested = As if they could catch me!
83. Turned someone down = Yes.
84. Cried when someone died = Yes.
85. Fallen for a friend = Yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself = Pass.
87. Miracles = Yes.
88. Love at first sight = Absolutely.
89. Heaven = Yes.
90. Santa Claus = Patron Saint of Charity, yes.
91. Kiss on the first date = Yes.
92. Angels = Yes.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

WWYD?

What would you do if you knew something you weren't supposed to? Something you knew you couldn't be trusted with? Something that you couldn't forget?

Would you use that information? What about the additional information you gained from the original secret you weren't supposed to know?

Would you feel guilty? Would you tell him?

Would you do it again?

What to do? What to do?

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

P.S. - Yeah, don't ask. I'm going through some things right now...

My Life According to Jason Mraz

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 15 people you like and include me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "MyLlife According to (band name)".

Pick your Artist: Jason Mraz

Describe Yourself: Geek in the Pink

How do you feel: Lucky

Describe where you currently live: Galaxy

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Bella Luna

Your favorite form of transportation: Plane

Your best friend is: Not So Usual

You and your best friends are: Coyotes

What's the weather like: Forecast

Favorite time of day: After an Afternoon

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: A Beautiful Mess

What is life to you: Life is Wonderful

Your last relationship: You and I Both

Your fear: The Darkest Speace

What is the best advice you have to give: Live High

Thought for the Day: Make It Mine

How I would like to die: Kickin' with You

My soul's present condition: Dynamo of Volition

My motto: No Doubling Back

____________

Okay, so yeah, that was a bit harder that expected. Especially since I could really only name about 10 Jason Mraz songs off the top of my head. The others I got from here. But that was fun!

As y'all know, I don't write notes (which is what this originally was on FB and I was tagged), so if you want to do this just post on your blog and I'll be sure to read it! :)

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

There is an I in FAIL

So I took a test today that I felt pretty prepared for. I actually studied for about 2 hours last night--yes, me, I studied a head of time for a test instead of cramming the morning of. I made out a detailed study guide for the type of question I was made to believe I should expect. I even hand wrote the study guide, woke up early, went to school an hour before class and typed it. I was thinking that if I could see the material twice and retain it better. Which actualy worked pretty well. I waited outside my classroom, reading over my now-printed out study guide which by now I could pretty much recite by heart.

The class settled in. Only about 12 people were brave enough to take the test. As the teacher came in with her stack of exams, I felt confident... Bring it on, baby! Then, I saw the test.... Take it back, please!

I wasn't prepared at all for the questions on the exam. But the policy is, "If you see the test, you take the test. And if you take the test, I grade the test." Needless to say, I sat there in a state of complete shock followed by a deep depression. I must have stared at the words for a full 10 mins, hoping there was something on the page that would save me. No dice. I wanted to cry. But I pulled myself together and just started writing.

I wish this were the paragraph where I say I started writing, things started flowing out fluidly, and I realized I knew more than I thought. I wish I were writing, "while making my study guide, I picked up a lot more than just the answers I was looking for." But life isn't like that. Not mine. Not this time.

I fucked up. My focus was so narrow that I left no wiggle room for the possibility of another type of question being asked on the test. So now, I wait for the dismal score to be returned. I've already told myself it's a 0 and have worked out the different scenerios required for a decent gpa from the class.

I'm learning to live with my decision. I'm upset, yes. But I also know the professor has a right to ask whatever questions she wishes. And I'm supposed to be prepared. I know that now. And I'll know for next time. Guess that's the real knowledge gained from all this.


.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Silver Lining

Often times, I'm shocked and appalled at what passes between humans these days. How we can so easily hurt each other. How immoral things are now considered the norm and there are those who would make a profit of it. I'm talking to you, Ashley Madison! Still, I know there is hope.

Nothing examplified this better than the unexpected gift I got this morning:

After being caught behind a terrible car accident on the interstate on my way to school and making it to campus later than planned, I decided to quickly duck into Coates to get a little snack before class. I emptied the change from my wallet (because what I wanted isn't in the machine that accepts TigerCards) and proceeded to the vending area. I put my quarter through the slot and heard a hollow clanking from the machine. It didn't register. Being a Barbe kid, I know that all vending machines have their temperments and some require "special treatment" to work. So I didn't panic, I simply retrieved my quarter and tried again, this time being careful to roll the quarter slowly down the slot. Clank. No dice.

Still, I had other coins so I tried a dime thinking maybe the machine was full of quarters and couldn't accept anymore. Tender amount: $.10 Sweet. I try another. $.20, $.30, $.40 I'm out of dimes. So I try a nickle. Clank. Sighing at the dismal realization of not getting my morning noms, I pressed the release button and retrieved my change from the machine. As I turned to leave, I noticed a girl standing behind me smiling and holding out a dollar. I don't know the amount of time she had been standing there, but I'm guessing it was significant enough to know I was having trouble with the machine taking my change. I thanked her and gave her my handful of change. She even stepped back to allow me to use her dollar to get my snack. After snatching my animal crackers (yes, this was all for animal crackers) from the bottom of the machine, I thanked her again and dashed off to class.

That girl was still on my mind while walking through the quad. Instead of being impatient and tapping her foot or sighing louldly to alert me of her presence, she had waited calmly, watching my plight with the machine and then offered help after I had given up. She didn't know me and still, she helped.

Some people call it a silver lining. Some call it moments of unscripted grace. Some call it Ace Ventura Jr. For me, it's a girl in Coates with a spare dollar.

So, to that girl in Coates with a dollar, thank you (again). Thank you for letting me know my faith in humanity is not wasted and that there is still good in the world.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Compliments of Miss Rachel

Okay, boys and girls, it's time to play a little game: You are to repost this with the first word you see in the wordsearch. If I'm understanding this correctly... So, uhm, yeah.

"CRUSH FOOL"

First word(s) I saw. Which I find ironic because I am a romantic. And more often than not, romanticism is associated with being "foolish" or the cliched "hopeless romantic" so..yeah.. interesting.

Thanks Rachel! :)

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*~o:.

Filler [You're welcome Jazz]

Because I'm really stuck on the story but I still want to post regularly:

1. What time did you get up this morning?
9:45a
2. How do you like your steak?
Between two buns. :)
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows AT MIDNIGHT, BITCHES!
4. What's your favorite television show?
Law and Order: SVU
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
New Orleans.
6. What did you have for breakfast?
I didn’t.
7. Your favorite cuisine?
Grandmaw’s.
8. What foods do you dislike?
A lot.
9. Favorite Place to Eat?
In bed.
10. Favorite dressing?
Italian.
11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
2002 Hyundai Accent, silver.
12. What are your favorite clothes?
Jeans.
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
London, England. *fingerscrossedstudyabroadsummer2011*
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
Poisoned.
15. Where would you want to retire?
Florida. I hear that’s where all the cool old people go.
16. Favorite time of day?
Night.
17. Where were you born?
In a hospital.
18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
I guess football.
19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
Everyone. Because I don’t write notes.
20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
No one. I don’t write notes.
21. Who are you most curious about their responses?
These questions are pretty silly.. I don’t really care what anyone else’s responses are.
22. Bird watcher?
No.
23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night owl all the way.
24. Do you have any pets?
Yes, I have a monkey and a puma. ;)
25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I made a 91 on the Mathnasium exam and have “try out/interview” tomorrow! Super exciting.
26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Amber.
27. What is your best childhood memory?
Jamaica.
28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Dog. Cats are evil.
29. Are you married?
Not to my knowledge… but I have missplaced a few hours due to some drinking.
30. Always wear your seat belt?
Religiously.
31. Been in a car accident?
Two.
32. Any pet peeves?
Many.
33. Favorite pizza topping?
Pepperoni.
34. Favorite Flower?
Blue roses. :)
35. Favorite ice cream?
Chocolate chip cookie dough.
36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Checkers. Or Rally’s (just for you, Mel!)
37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Once.
38. From whom did you get your last email?
Which account?
39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Barnes&Noble.
40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
Nope.
41. Like your job?
One of them.
42. Broccoli? Steamed or with cheese?
No.
43. What was your favorite vacation?
20th birthday trip to HARRY POTTER LAND!!!
44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
My boyfriend and my sister.
45. What are you listening to right now?
This girl in the lab who obviously learned how to whisper in a saw mill… with the saws running.
46. What is your favorite color?
Blue.
47: Favorite Band?
Band? Do they still make those?
48: Favorite Beer?
None.
49: Favorite Comfort Food?
Fried porkchops and mashed potatoes.
50: Favorite way to relax?
Reading.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Mr. Right

My sister asked me what my "perfect" man would be like. I laughed and told her, well first, I'd have to believe in perfect. But after I thought about it, I liked the idea. So I guess my ideal man would probably be something like this:

Eyes. He'd have to have gorgeous eyes. I'm an eye girl. Light brown, green, hazel, etc. Something that pops.

Smart. I'd like him smart. Not annoyingly so, just enough to where I can carry on a conversation with him without getting annoyed or angry. But I'd have to be able to follow the conversation as well.

Passionate. Whether that's about painting or writing or saving orphans, he'd have to be passionate and dedicated.

That being said, committed. I'd hope he'd be committed to me, but my ideal man would not be wishy washy or flaky. He'd say he's going to do something and then do it. I love that in a person, especially a man. Conviction.

Kind. I don't want a hardened man. He'd have to be friendly, gentle, generally pleasant to be around.

Curious. I don't like people who feel like there's nothing left to learn about in the world. He'd have to be interested in travel or books. Learning.

Romantic. Oh yes, he would most definitely have to be romantic. Flowers just because. Dancing in the living room to a commercial. Surprise dinners. The whole nine.

Other than that, physical stuff isn't too important to me. I guess I'd want him at least as tall as me if not taller. But not freakishly so. A great head of hair would be nice. I do love running my hand through lush hair.

So, yeah, my ideal man. There ya go.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

P.S. - That being said, let me clarify that I love my boyfriend very much. And I am very happy with him. This is just what I'd like if I could craft my ideal man.

I refuse to write about the first day of school

Sorry to disappoint anyone. But although today is, in fact, the first day of a shiny new semester, the familarity of this semester outweighs any excitement I may have about starting again.

I will admit a few things have changed since last semester: I drove myself to school for the first time in a car that's completely mine. Yay! Both traffic and parking were a bitch though. I thought showing up an hour early would ensure at least a decent spot but I was sadly mistaken and ended up parking across the street from campus. Which means I'm not living on campus this go round either. In ways I miss living on campus (the simplicity, the ease of travel, not to mention the shortcuts that are impossible to take in a car... at least legally). Also, because my sister lives so far away, I have to be absolutely certain I don't forget anything. There will be no running back to my room real quick to grab something now. Sigh.

Also, I've only met 3 of my teachers today. One of which I had last semester so there was nothing special about that. The other was in a class of about 380 students so not much interaction there either. I am interested to see what my third professor's class will bring... She's like a mix of Mrs. Goodaker and Ellen. So maybe I'll blog about her class sometime later in the semester. But not today.

Today, I refuse to write about the first day of school.

.:~o*'Isianya'*o~:.

Stroke of brilliance..?

So I've just been hit by possible inspiration. I dunno. But I'm typing very fast to get this down. and I'm putting it here because a) I want to find it and B) I want to put something less depressing up.

Okay. So. My new(est) idea is this: Orphanarium.

What happens to abandoned ideas? Books that are never completed? Songs that are never sung? Paintings never finished? ...They go to the Orphanarium.

The Orphanarium is a place like no other: Where it's inhabitants are characters from stories that haven't been fully developed; it's walls are covered with incomplete art; over the loud speakers plays bits of music that haven't been finished.

But what happens when the Orphanarium's newest residents begin to make their own lives? Complete their own stories...

Awesome right?

Ironically, this idea will metaphorically end up at the Orphanarium. Haha.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Time for a bit of Scheduled Maintainence

Well, it's that time of the year again. The end. At least, academically speaking. So, of course, as I look around, a lot of my friends seem to be doing a great deal of reflecting. It almost seems inevitable at this point. How was the school year? What am I looking forward to this summer? What am I up to? Blah blah blah...

I have no desire to reflect on this past semester. I did what I could. Period. Whether you take that as what I wanted to or what I'm actually capable of, that's up to you. I'm satisfied with my grades. End of story.

So I'm going to take this time to reflect. Inwardly. (I'm really just going to free write at this point. I just need to flush out some thoughts)

I have so many thoughts on my mind, really. Some fully formed. Some just whispers. Some fading memories. Everything all jumbled up inside my mind. I find it hard to give these thoughts voice. Hearing them out loud makes it harder for them to go away. It's easy to push thoughts back to the deep, dark recesses of your mind but words... Words are a different beast altogether.

I once wrote that writing makes it real. Well, spoken words tend to have that affect as well. Not only do you hear what you're feeling, fearing, worried about.. but someone else will as well. Whoever you're telling now bears all that plagues you. Now they share the anxiety. And, to me, that's just not fair. I don't want anyone else to carry my cross. I'd rather be crushed under the weight myself. That way, I'm the only one who suffers.

There is one person who I trust completely. One person who I know I can tell my secrets to without fear of sharing burdens. That is because this girl is the strongest person I know. Nothing can break her. She's a phoenix. I've seen life throw so many things at this girl and still, she takes it all in stride, with a smile. I admire her. A little jealous, too. She never complains or whines (at least not to me). She's driven. She's my best friend.

There are so many things I wish to tell her...

Unfinished Business

I want to complete something. Anything. Just take a story through a complete arc with an exposition, climax, and resolution. Just to present a character and have my reader(s) follow them through their journey, discovering more about that character with each step. Is that so hard to ask?!!

Well, considering the author, yes.

I've never finished any story. Ever. Oh sure, I've started a few... but they never really close. Sure, I have some ultra short, 2-3 pagers that I've completed but that's more of a newer thing.

I never finish anything. I know this. After 19 years, I should know this. But it's not for lack of wanting. I just... don't. Could it be some inner insecurities about having my writing judged so I protect myself by never finishing, shielding everything from the public eye? Or maybe I'm just a future suit-wearing, pencil-pusher who naively believed through her teenage and young adult years that she was creative or special in any way. I dunno.

I also don't know why I keep setting myself up for failure. NaNo. Script Frenzy (which page's count is currently 0/100 with 18 days to go). Collaborations with friends. Gaia.

Fail after fail after fail... And yet I keep writing.

Maybe I'm just impatient. Maybe I just haven't given myself enough time. Or, rather, devoted enough time to one project. I always get distracted or intrigued by a new idea and abandon a project I've labored over for weeks for a shiny new one. I get distracted very easily. Rome wasn't built in a day. Some novels take years to complete. And that's with writing everyday!

I must be crazy. But, hey, aren't the most interesting writers always?

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

No, seriously, who dat?

I just don't get it.

This sudden fascination or obsession, really, that everyone seems to have with the New Orleans Saints now that they don't actually suck anymore. This abrupt change of heart can only be described as Saints-fever.

And it seems like I am part of a microscopic minority that has not been infected.

Don't get me wrong, I like football. Every year, I try to catch the Super Bowl no matter who's playing (for the commercials, if nothing else). And half time. Always gotta watch half time. And, when my family can't travel to Texas, we still tune in to the Dallas Cowboy game.

It's frustrating to think that after Feb. 7th, it really won't matter anymore. If the Saints win... Yay. If they lose... Well, isn't that what we're all expecting anyway? Win or lose, LSU will still have school the next day. And life will resume.

I don't understand why people choose this one single event to cling to for a moment of happiness in their life. "This is important for the state of Louisiana!" they say. "This is first time we've really been on the national map since Katrina!" And? Who says we need the attention anyway? Can you quantify this new-found Saints fandom in anyway? What are we gaining from this? A short-lived happiness? For a whole year, you can now interject any sports-driven conversation saying, "Hey, I'm from that state!" Wow... Big change.

No matter how hard you cheer, Drew Brees will not hear you in Miami.

Don't get me wrong, the city of New Orleans is... entrancing to me. I plan to be married there. I'd love to live there. But I refuse to jump on the bandwagon and ride it to Miami simply because my driver's license reads "LA".

I just won't do it.

I don't feel like I need to.

I was happy when the Saints were losing. (There are about 1000 other reasons for other states to look down on Louisiana anyway) And I'll still be happy if they somehow become a Super Bowl-winning team.

Football does not make me happy. It never has. And I doubt it will.

It's the people. You. Him. Y'all. Us. Together. That's what makes me happy. And I as long as I have that, I say Who Dat? Who Cares?

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Blergh

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!

Next week is going to suck. Class. Rehearsal. Work. Not to mention wanting to continue my health and fitness regimen (126, baby!). Ugh. I am not looking forward to going back to BR.

That is all.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Also, I have a new story in the works. Newly inspired by something I'm reading. Hopefully, it'll be a well-welcomed distraction.