Crossroads

I'm not good at a lot of things: I'm lazy, apathetic, and flaky. I forget. A lot. Despite my current employment, I suck at math. Hard. (Thanks again, Rachel!) I'm uncoordinated. I stumble, run into things, fall down. I've even been told "I wouldn't call the way you move dancing." Though that last one may have been a compliment...

I like to call myself a writer but I haven't published anything or even completed a project that wasn't for a grade. And most of those have been close calls. Or late altogether. I don't even have the balls to submit anything for professional critique.

Still, I can't help but feeling like I'm capable of something more.

This morning, I was in the library and found myself looking at grad schools. Again. UNO to be exact. While glossing over the admission requirements, I felt a certain sense of excitement and temptation. But I also felt lost and overwhelmed. And a little guilty.

For so much of my life - in fact all of it, I've been told what to do; pointed in the right direction. I became secure with that. I daresay I'm dependently secure in it. Now, it seems like all those guiding forces have left me and I'm completely and utterly lost. Alone. Confused. I don't know what I should do. I don't know what I want.

What do I want?
What do I want?
What the fuck do I want?

Such a question...

Even if I knew what I wanted, I don't know how to get it. I'm not even sure I have the ability to get what I want. I've never had to make decisions before. Can I be trusted to plan my future? How will I know it's right? Is there a wrong way?

I've been bred as a creature of submission: Tell me what to do and I'll do it. Give me parameters, restrictions and I'll perform well. Very well. It's part of being a Virgo. It's part of being a younger sibling. It's part of being the daughter of a protective mother. It's who I am. It's all I know.

Just do what you want.

That would be sound advice, if only I knew what I wanted...

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

WWYD?

What would you do if you knew something you weren't supposed to? Something you knew you couldn't be trusted with? Something that you couldn't forget?

Would you use that information? What about the additional information you gained from the original secret you weren't supposed to know?

Would you feel guilty? Would you tell him?

Would you do it again?

What to do? What to do?

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

P.S. - Yeah, don't ask. I'm going through some things right now...