3 Small Words, 1 Big Difference

A very good friend of mine once wrote that love is "indescribable trust." And when I first read these words I don't think I knew what he meant by that. But an experience this weekend made me realize he's right.

My boyfriend and I were watching an episode of Nip/Tuck and I was having trouble focusing. My thoughts made it difficult to concentrate on.. well, anything really. When he asked me if I was alright, I of course said yes. He said it seemed like something was wrong. I apologized and we went back to watching. Well, he did. I looked over and noticed he was looking at me. "What?" I asked. He said something just didn't seem right, I seemed distant. After about the fourth round of this back-and-forth questioning, I finally told him what was bothering me. I should have known better than to try to hide something from him.

When I confessed, I broke into uncontrollable crying because my thoughts were so deep and scary. He gathered me into his arms and let me cry on his shoulder, touching me gently and softly whispering it's okay. When I calmed down enough to speak, we talked about everything I was thinking and feeling. He put me at ease, letting me know my thoughts weren't unwarranted, but that I had nothing to worry about. He told me he loved me. And love him for that and so much more.

What I realized from that moment was that I can trust him with even my darkest insecurities. And that's an amazing feeling, to know you can be so open and honest with someone and know you won't be met with opposition or ridicule for being foolish or not trusting in them. Or yourself. It took me months to realize this, but I now know I fully trust him. I love him. And he loves me.

I think I had a problem with this in the past. I loved someone, but I didn't trust him. I didn't feel I could tell him what I was truly feeling; my insecurities about myself or the relationship. And ultimately that was our downfall. Now I know you can't have love without trust. Not real, deep, true love. And I'm so sorry I had to hurt someone before I could figure this out.

The Bible says:

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

And I realize that I've been punishing myself for about 10 months now, afraid to trust anyone but Rachel with my concerns and insecurities.

Finally, I'm ready to stop doing that. I'm ready to trust completely, indescribably. I'm ready to have a perfect love. Even though I don't believe in the word perfect, I'm willing to try.

And I hope you're ready and willing to try with me.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Losing It

I want to challenge my writing. Expand it. Improve it. And one of the ways I've come up with for doing this (other than the obvious write more) is to write what I normally wouldn't write. Write about things I've never personally experienced. Write what I think should happen. What I think it looks like, tastes like, feels like. I think if I do this, then my writing becomes less of a disguised catharsis and more of a weaving of detail. I want to tell stories, to write novels, to be published. I just don't know if I want those stories to be my own anymore. This is weird because for so long it's been "Write what you know." But I want to break away from that. I feel like writing what I know is exactly that. I know. I know exactly how the story's going to end (or how I want it to end since I never actually finish anything) and every twist between. So I'm going to take a stab in the dark here and hope I hit something:

"Losing It"

I love my boyfriend very much. And I know he loves me. He doesn't say it much, but I know he does. He doesn't have to say it.

Our anniversary's coming up. It will be 4 months this Friday. I'm so excited! He won't tell me what we're doing though. I texted him the other day to ask him what I should wear and he just sent back: "w/e sumthin cute i guess" He's so mysterious.


Friday is here and I cannot wait to get out of school. Normally, I like my afternoon geometry class. My teacher says I'm one of her top students. But today is unbearable. I spent most of the hour drawing little hearts in the margin of my notebook instead of taking notes. I didn't even write down the homework. When that bell rings, it's like someone sent an electric shock through my body. I leap out of my seat and bolt for the door.

My boyfriend's waiting for me in the parking lot. I see him leaning against his car with his phone in his hands. He looks so cool standing there. I give him a smile as I walk up to him. "Hey you."

"Hey," he says not looking up from his phone. "I was just about to text you."

I giggle. "Well, here I am."

"So you are. Come here," he slides his phone into his pocket and reaches out his hand. Instead of pulling me into a hug like I expected him to, he lifts my arm above my head and spins me around. I feel my dress rise a little bit as I twirl. "You look great."

I feel my face get all hot and I know my cheeks are red. "Thanks."

"Come on, let's go." He pushes the unlock button on his keychain and walks around to the driver's side door. I toss my backpack on the backseat and go over to the passenger's side. He drives mostly with his left hand, except to turn, leaving his right hand free to rest on my thigh as we ride along.

I put my hand on top of his and look over at him. He steals glances over at me when he's not watching the road. We're stopped at a red light, I lean over and say, "I love you."

He nods. "Your mom cool with you coming over, right?"

"Uhm, yeah." I lie. My mom thinks I'm at Jenna's studying today after school and that she'll have to pick me up when I call. She lives just across the street and won't be back from dance practice until after 6.

"Awesome." I feel his right hand tighten its grip on my leg.

We pull into his driveway a few minutes later. I notice his dad's truck is missing. "We have the house to ourselves?"

"Happy anniversary." He leans in and kisses me on the cheek. I turn my head to kiss him for real but he's already getting out of the car. I reach to the backseat and grab his gift from my backpack. It's the new cd from his favorite band. I saved up and got the 2-disc edition with concert footage because I remember him telling me he's never seen them in concert before but would like to someday.


His house is so quiet when we walk inside. It's completely empty. "Where's Bingo?" I ask.

He's looking down at his phone again. I wonder what he's doing because I didn't hear it go off or even vibrate. "Oh, uhm, yeah, my dad had to take him to the vet this afternoon. Come on, I want to show you something upstairs." He takes hold of my hand and leads me up the staircase to his bedroom.


He sits me down on the edge of the bed and goes to his desk drawer. He comes back with a small rectangular box. "Here, this is for you." he says holding out his hand. I could cry right now but I try to stay cool.

Before I can get out a Oh, you didn't have to get me anything, I open the box and see it: The most gorgeous necklace ever. It's a silver chain with a heart pendant in the middle. "It's beautiful. Thank you."

He sits down on the bed next to me. "Let me see it on you."

I turned my back slightly to him and pull up my hair into a ponytail with my hands. I feel the cool metal slip easily onto my neck, the heart resting gently between my breasts. Then, I feel something warm and smooth on my neck. It takes me a minute to realize my boyfriend is kissing me. He's never done that before. I want to ask him what he's doing, but I get this warm feeling all over, like slipping into a bathtub full of hot water. Something inside tells me to move away and so I do.

"What's the problem?" he asks.

"Nothing.It's just... I.. I-I haven't given you your gift yet." I pull out the cd and hand it to him.

He stares at it for a minute, his face still. Then he turns it over, reading the songs on the back. "Hm, I already have most of these. Oh, I downloaded this one a few days ago." He shrugs his shoulders and tosses the cd into a pile of clothes on the floor.

I frown. "I bought that one special. It has concert footage. Didn't you say you'd like to see them in concert one day?"

"Well, yeah, but you can get that stuff on youtube."

I feel so stupid. Why didn't I think of that? "I'm sorry." I say quietly.

"Don't worry about it. It was a sweet gift. You're a sweet girl." He says leaning in closer. He begins kissing me, but it's different this time. His kisses are hard, sloppy. I try to keep up with him but something catches my attention: His hands are roaming. I pull back.

"What are you doing?"

"Relax."

"But your hand was on my--,"

"You don't like it?"

"No. I mean, yes. Well, I don't know. You've never done that before." I blurt out all at once.

He smirks and leans in close so that his mouth is close to my ear. "Just relax," he whispers into my ear. His hot breath makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. "It's our anniversary." His voice is low, confident, ...sexy. I swallow hard, trying to relax. I shut my eyes and he begins kissing me again.

I can feel his hands all over me touching, feeling, squeezing. I try not to think about it, because when I think about it I want him to stop. And when I don't think about it, it's the exact opposite. His hands slip under my dress and before long I hear a faint snapping noise. The sudden slack in my chest tells me what this means. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it.

Still kissing me, he slowly leans back onto the bed. I have no choice but to fall onto the bed with him or I'll break the kiss. His hands push my dress all the way up to my stomach. My legs instantly form millions of goosebumps on them. I feel the warm palm of his hand caressing my thigh, moving it's way to the back and then gripping the skin there tightly.

He breaks the kiss and my eyes fly open. I look up to see my boyfriend taking off his t-shirt. I've never seen his bare chest before. He lays back down on the bed, but this time with his leg on top of one of mine so I can't move away. I don't think about this though. Instead, I try to focus on my boyfriend's eyes. His stare seems different now. There's a spark of something shining out behind his hazel-green stare, but I can't name it.

He starts kissing my neck again, harder; more passionate than before. I can feel his teeth against my skin. I let out a cry. He moves his way up, kissing my neck, my jaw, my cheek... Soon, his mouth is back at my ear again. He exhales, warming my ear with his breath. "Let's see you out of that dress." he says in the same low voice as before. A pulsing sensation rushes down my spine. He moves his hands along my sides, pushing my dress further and further up. With ease, he removes my dress and unhooked bra and I'm left there in nothing but my panties.

I feel very self conscious with this much skin exposed. Goosebumps cover my whole body and I feel so cold. An astonishing feeling shocks me when I realize my boyfriend has one of my breasts in each hand, squeezing hard. He pinches the sensitive skin on my breasts between his index finger and thumb. I shut my eyes tight, trying not to think about this. But a painful sensation causes me to cry out.

Then, I hear the sound of his belt buckle as he slips off his jeans. He climbs on top of me in just his boxer shorts and positions himself directly above me. I can feel something solid pressing exactly between my legs; the weight of him pining me onto the bed. I love my boyfriend. Relax, relax, relax. Don't think, relax. I love him.

He leans in and kisses me on the lips. I reach my hands up to either side of his face and pull him closer. His tongue slips in and out of my mouth. The solid mass resting between my legs becomes more firm and my boyfriend starts pushing his hips against mine; grinding into me. I can't remain still. Without thinking, I begin to move with him until we have a comfortable rhythm together. The pulsing sensation in my lower back begins throbbing faster and faster. My head is beginning to feel light from trying not to think about anything.

What happens next is something my body expected but my brain hadn't prepared for. The pain is excruciating. It feels like someone is splitting me in half, right from the center. I let out a loud moan, but my boyfriend doesn't stop. He continues pressing into me. I love him. I love him. The pain begins to dull when I stop thinking about everything that's happening and the pulse from my back moves between my legs, the pounding dulling the pain. My breaths become shorter and it feels like my body is going to explode. I think I have to go to the bathroom.

My boyfriend lets out a low groan and a warm sensation hits my inner thigh. He falls next to me and starts catching his breath like he's just finished running a marathon. I don't know how to feel. There are so many emotions running through my head. Confusion. Is this what I wanted? Anger. I can't believe I just did that. Guilt. My mom is going to kill me when she finds out I'm not a virgin anymore.

That's when it hits me. All my thoughts come rushing in at once when I come to realization I'm 15 and not a virgin. I want to feel better; safe, so I look over to my boyfriend who's already putting his jeans back on. "I love you," I say weakly.

He nods and pulls his phone out from his pocket and starts texting.

I love my boyfriend very much. And I know he loves me. He doesn't say it much, but I know he does. He doesn't have to say it.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*~o:.

Of Windows and Mirros

So, my 11:30a class got canceled today. And I have a bit of time before my 12:30p class. 7 mins to be exact. But, anyway, after a conversation with my sister, I have these thoughts I wanna put down for now and I'll clean this up later.

Basically, I told my sister the events of this past weekend. My godson's 2nd birthday. Some dude named Andre. My boyfriend cheating on me. The whole thing.

Her response wasn't what I expected. Or, rather, not what I wanted. Instead of shock and disappointment, she responded with general curiosity and seemed to enjoy playing the role of Devil's advocate. Or, I guess, in this case, Nikki's advocate. She said, "Well, I mean it's not really my place to tell you who to be with and whatever... but I guess where she was coming from is kinda what everyone was thinking when you brought Chris home. You know? People see you and then they see him. But, you know, they don't see what you see in him." (or something to the effect of that)

And this kinda struck me because, well-- for one, she's right. I don't see why anyone can't see what I see in him. And I don't understand why. He's sweet, charming, funny, creative, imaginative, and, oh, those eyes... But why is it that no one else seems to see this? According to my sister, they see older. Period. And, she says, he never really seems to be as great as I make him. She says, he's a bit boring when she meets him. And quiet. I try to explain that he's usually tired from working or I've woken him up early to come hang out in the day.. but she doesn't get it.

So, I guess my question/thought is: If the eyes are the windows to the soul, can they also function as mirrors? Can we get a reflection of someone just by looking at them or a reflection of ourselves in someone else's eyes?

Case and point: When I look into my boyfriend's eyes, I see him. I see me. I see love. I see a me that he imagines. The me he loves. But I don't know if I necessarily live up to that in anyone else's eyes...

I dunno. This is very messy and I will clean it up later because it's 12:32p and I have to go now. I just needed to get this down.