My Heart and My Love

I can’t stop looking at this picture. I love it so much. I love the people in it more.

On my phone, I keep a picture of my godson, Tralynn, as the background because his smiling face always causes me to pause and smile too. Even when I’m stressed. Even when I’m frustrated. Even when I get a particularly upsetting text message. He’s always there, smiling back at me or just looking strange like “Why you so mad, Nanny?” And I smile. I just can’t help it. And I love that.

And my boyfriend, Chris Taylor. My amazing boyfriend. I’m really lucky to have him in my life. He’s so adamant about how much he’s changed because of me; how I make him want to be a better man. Don’t get me wrong, he was pretty great when I met him, but I do see how he’s changed to dedicate himself to our future. And I couldn’t ask for more.

This picture was taken Christmas day. I bought Tralynn a bike. Lightning McQueen, of course. Before that, my boyfriend put it together for me. I watched him as he laid out the parts and carefully read the instructions and worked with the tools, checking his progress to make sure the bike was safe for my godson. He caught me staring a few times and asked what I was doing. I tried to play it coy and said, “Oh, you’re just being all manly and stuff.” He smiled and grunted like a caveman before going back to work.

As I watched him, I got the strangest feeling: There he was, my boyfriend, the man I love, taking his time and energy to assemble something that would ensure my godson’s happiness. His willingness to do this task for me meant so much. More than he’ll probably ever know. I joked about how macho he seemed working with tools and stuff, but I think that’s because I was trying to keep myself from crying or showering him with appreciation.

When we delivered the bike on Christmas day, Tralynn was so excited. Chris brought it in and before we got inside, Tralynn ran to the door and screamed, “A bike! A bike! Bike!” And I told him it was his bike. He couldn’t wait to jump on his bike, so much so that he began “riding” in the kitchen. Chris and I followed him and tried to teach him how to ride a bike. Tralynn was very excited and determined to learn that day. We took it slow, Chris and I coaching him through the correct foot positions and how to propel himself forward.

Within about 20 minutes, Tralynn had learned to turn one pedal and push himself forward on his bike a few feet. He couldn’t understand the perpetual motion of cycling.. just yet. But it was fun to teach him the basics. Chris was so gentle and patient with Tralynn, holding his feet, supporting him on the bike, telling him to “Walk on it” and that he had to “Use both feet.” Tralynn even learned to turn himself around. And a new phrase: “Move Chris!” I watched the two of them, learning together and really sharing a special moment. My godson and my boyfriend. My heart and my love.

This picture says so much. I loved seeing my boyfriend being so mentoring, so caring, and so great with my godson. At first, I wanted to make sure the two of us were going to make it before introducing him to someone so important to me. Kinda like a divorcee waiting the obligatory 8 months or whatever before introducing her new boyfriend to her kid. I didn’t want to be the type of person who paraded different men around a child like Tralynn (his mother does enough of that). But I’m so glad I found someone like Chris. Someone who seems to get along with my godson, because he’s very important to me.

The experience this picture captured is best Christmas present I could have ever asked for. And I’m so happy to have it.

.:~o*’Kaylyn’*o~:.

Final Countdown

Da da daaa
da da da da
da da daaaa
da da da da da da
da da daaa...

Okay, that part was ridiculously hard to transcribe. But seriously, it's final's week. And for me, that means final finals. Le gasp!

So, here I am, Kaylyn.. completing college in less than a week. Kaylyn, who can't remember how to do simple high school geometry for work. Kaylyn, who still can't spell despite over 10 years of schooling and (very) soon a degree in English. Kaylyn, who watched two hours of Regular Show and laughed her ass off like it was Frasier. The girl who bought the Victorious album and blasts it in her car. The girl who kicks ass in Just Dance.. even when she's playing a 5, 7, and 10 year old (no mercy!). Sigh.. yeah, that girl. She's about to be post-grad.

I suppose I thought I'd feel different. More accomplished. More deserving. More educated. But, in truth, I still feel like the same girl I was 5 years ago. I'm just not sure how to feel about that.

All I've ever wanted to do was write. Quite honestly, I haven't been doing much of that lately either.. but that's for another post. In order to write, I was told I had to go to college, continue my education. It wasn't an option. And because of that, I guess I suppose I thought ending it would feel.. better.

I mean, yes, college had offered me opportunities I wouldn't have otherwise. But in one year, I've managed to have two of the biggest accomplishes of my life. I've been to England. I've graduated college. The only thing left is to publish a book... Although I'm not holding my breath on that one.

When my sister got married, people asked how she felt afterwards. She said, "I dunno, I just thought I'd feel different. Taller, even. Or something." I didn't understand what she meant then, but now I think I do.

I'm just not ready to graduate college. I'm not even sure what it means to be ready for something like that.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

You're Welcome

Here we go.

My annual Thanksgiving post.

As I sit here, in my aunt and uncle's house, watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade (yes, cliche, but that's what the holidays are all about right?), exhausted from the drive to Dallas, I'm still really happy and thankful.

I'm so lucky for the people in my life. My family. My friends. But I've realized that the reason I've got such great people in my life is because I surround myself with greatness. And that's only possible when one's pretty great themselves. So, if I'm half as awesome as my friends, I must be doing something right.

There are so many people I could put in this post. If you're reading this, then yes I am very thankful to have you in my life. Every year, I notice that some people are dropped from the list and more are added. But some people remain. I'm so happy to have such a loyal group of core friends. Y'all are amazing, really. And I know I'm a better person for knowing each and everyone of you.

So, this year, I'm saying thank you and you're welcome. Thank all of you for being in my life and if I bring just a fraction of joy to your life as y'all have brought to mine, then I must be doing something right.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Been Awhile...

Oh wow. Where have I been? This semester has definitely been stressful. Trying to keep all my relationships in tact while not tanking my gpa in the process. So much of me just wants to say "Fuck it" and wait it out for another semester. Doesn't seem so bad. But so much planning and preparation had gone into a winter graduation. My mother is proud of me which I admit is pretty nice for once.

But when I'm pretty stressed, out of ice cream, liquor (note to self: remedy soon), and not enough time to watch Man in the Iron Mask, I turn to my blog. Because at least here, I know I can vent without fear of retribution or judgement.

So... here goes..

I hate who I am sometimes. I saying "This is what I want." Makes me feel like a bitch. Like, who am I to demand things from the universe? What have put into it? And everything I have put into it wasn't for my own benefit... Was it?

This guy at work is constantly doing nice things: taking shifts, staying late, volunteering his time to the rec, etc. He says he's "building up good karma" and one day, he plans to "cash out." I don't know if I agree with that thinking. But I do think every once in a while I should be able to say what I want and not feel bad about it.

But I do.

And I feel horrible about it. I want you to do things like we discussed, like we planned for. Us. Together. But at what cost? And am I willing to pay it to get what I want?

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Kitten - Pt. 3

There was a time, she remembered, when her faith wavered. A short, fleeting moment when she forgot all that they had built together in two years. A time when she questioned and doubted herself and him. She doubted their relationship. In that dark, awful time she called for him, beckoning for him to come to her.

And he did.

And just like that, she had quelled the fires of desire which lustfully licked at her insides and burned with cooling passion for another.

But now those fires were rekindled...

And he would not--could not come to her.

----

She sat on her bed with her legs folded under her. There were was a textbook opened near her, but she cradled her cell phone in her hands.

I would do anything to make you happy, kitten. You know that. he had written.

She studied the message as if somehow, her stare would change the words, rearrange the letters in a less troubling fashion. They did not change. The words glared back at her, demanding a response. She could picture him, waiting to see her reply as her name lit up his phone and the thought of her face lit up his heart.

I know, she wrote back. She tapped the send button before she could type anything else. She fell back onto her bed pleasantly thinking of all the things that would make her happy. All the things she desired. All the things he could give her. The trips, the gifts, the dinners... All accumulated in her mind while she waited for his next text.

Just then her phone began buzzing incessantly. She looked at the lighted screen in surprise. “Hello..?”

“Hey, sweetie,” she heard from the other end. He was smiling. She knew he was smiling; he had to be. His voice was far too cheery for him not to be. Then again, he always sounded this way when talking to her, she noted. Unless she had waken him or lost track of his schedule and called while he was working, he was generally happy to talk with her.

“Hi, honey. What’s up?” she said, perhaps a bit too apprehensively, she thought. But it was too late to take it back.

He didn’t seem to notice. “Nothing much. Going to find foods now. What about you?”
She relaxed some on her bed, stacking pillows behind her head and all but kicking the textbook to the far corner. She was done studying for the night. “Oh, I’m just reading some stuff for class tomorrow.” She asked him about his day though she knew the response before he gave it: Eh, fine.

Her phone buzzed singularly. “Oh, hold on for a second,” she said quickly.

What are you doing?

Nothing, she tapped back.

With expertise, she switched the screen back to her call. “Okay.”

He said nothing, but she could hear the beep of the cashier’s scanner in the background. He mumbled a quick thank you to the cashier and then the rattling of his plastic bag. “Sorry, I was checking out.”

“So what--,” her phone began buzzing. Once, twice, and again. “Uhm.. Hold again, honey.”

She switched to the other line. He was upset and tired. He didn’t have to say a word for her to know. With one exhausted breath, she knew exactly why he had called. She sat up in bed, ready to help ease his mind if only for a few moments. “Hey,” was all she said.

“Kitten...” he said heavily, as if the agony of his thoughts were too much to bear. “I can’t sleep. And I have a headache.”

“Have you taken anything?”

There was a pause.

“Maybe you should, boy.”

“Eh, I know.”

Though it pained her to do so, she asked him to hold the line and switched over. “Honey?”

He was there, smiling again. “Yeah, I’m here.”

“Can I call you back later?”

“Yeah, sure, I’m just about to eat anyways. Wanna just call me before you go to sleep?”

She smiled, thinking of his voice being the last one she would hear before falling asleep. How she had been spoiled to that treatment years before their relationship began. How she wished he were there to whisper into her ear before bed and kiss her forehead, wrap her up in his arms and hold her until she fell asleep. “Okay,” she said, moving the phone away from her ear to switch the line back over.

“I love you.”

She stopped short. For some reason that resonated with her as she realized what she was about to do, trade one for the other. More over, how easy it would be for her. She hadn’t given it a second thought. Until now. She exhaled, “I love you too, honey.”

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Edge of Grace

So today my former creative writing teacher, Christa Allan, released her second novel, Edge of Grace. On the heels of her debut novel, Walking on Broken Glass, this one explores another dark corner torn from Christa's own personal experiences with the blinding light of faith.

On top of my excitement for Christa, the release of this work forces me to examine my own goals and progress. Or lack thereof.

I think part of the reason I'm so happy for Christa is because she is living proof that it can happen: You can be published. Dreams can come true. However, the flipside of that coin is the fact that I haven't done it yet. Not even close. But I know I can do it.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel myself on the "edge of grace", so to speak and I'm just waiting for a push into the murky waters of authorhood. I don't know what form this push will come in (life experience, tragedy, brush with death, happiness), but I'm eager to meet it.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Cheers?

I can't believe I'm actually here, in London. It's been the place of my dreams for a lifetime and now I'm here, writing from a British dorm room located in a "posh" area. It's strange, exciting, and a little intimidating all at once.

Now that I've realized the dream of a lifetime, what else is there to look forward to? I've held on to this goal for so long and now that I've achieved it, I don't know what's next for me. If there is anything... Perhaps I've reached my pinnacle moment, my peak, the highlight of my life. Maybe everything after this will be drab and boring; I'll live a quiet life somewhere in Louisiana and History will forget my name as I forget this trip. Who knows?

I'm not really sure how to feel at the moment. It's such a strange mixture of emotions. What I do know is this is not how I thought I'd be feeling...

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Tick Tock

Yet another very short nothing written in like 2 mins.

I sit here waiting
for the door to open
and you to come in
to feel your lips against my skin
to hear your voice
and give you mine
but I sit here waiting--
just me and Time.

Another moment
another minute
or two
another lifetime
here without you.

The silence so toxic
I may die where I sit.
If only you'd come in
and help me breathe a bit.

.:o~*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Poison IV

You're my poison IV
and I need every drop
I want you inside me
give me all you got
Sink into my veins
flow through my blood
numb all my senses
Just make me feel good

You're my poison IV
I need you to live
because no one else
can give what you give
Yeah, you're poison, it's true
You're poison, but I can't quit you

My friends say you're no good
and they leave me be
I use you more than I should
it's insanity
But you're my poison IV
and there's no rehab
You're my cure
the only one I'd have

Just one hit
and, baby, I'm yours
You make me forget
and poison me to the core

You're my poison IV
I need you to live
because no one else
can give what you give
Yeah, you're poison, it's true
You're poison, and I won't quit you

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Trouble

My first experiment in free verse. No rhyme, no meter, no musicality; very unlike my usual stuff, I know. So it's going be bumpy. At best.

----

I've been having these thoughts
awful
wrenching
haunting
unyielding thoughts.
I thought I could write them down
bind them together
tie them up
imprison them
silence them.
Instead
they rebounded
they redoubled
they regained momentum and pushed through the recesses I had forced them in to.
Angry, they came in full force
thoughts
thoughts
thoughts
images
images
words
behavior.
A smile, a glance, a look
Touch.
Smell.
Wanting.
Curiosity...

.:o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Note: I can't explain what it means to write out these feelings. Though they may seem random, the words have meaning. This piece means a lot to me. It's a very troubling subject. I can't explain it. So don't ask.

Cheez-It!

As you all know, I don't do notes on Facebook. But I love Chih, so here ya go:

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 Truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

NAME: Kaylyn Hawkins

Age: 20

BIRTHDATE: 09/20/1990

PRESENT ADDRESS: Varies. :P


WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage = Moscato
2. last phone call = Margan
3. last text message = Chris Taylor
4. last song you listened to = Does the Law&Order theme song count?
5. last time you cried = Mid-semester nervous break-down. Wasn't pretty.

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice = Regrettably.
7. been cheated on = Yes.
8. kissed someone & regretted it? = Only the timing. ;)
9. lost someone special = Yes
10. been depressed = No.
11. been drunk and threw up = Haha. Yes. Welcome to college!

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Blue
13. Blue
14. Blue

LAST YEAR (2010), HAVE YOU:

15. Made a new friend = Many!
16. Fallen out of love = No.
17. Laughed until you cried = Nearly everytime.
18. Met someone who changed you = Doesn't everyone?
19. Found out who your true friends were = Always knew.
20. Found out someone was talking about you = They always are.
21. Kiss anyone on your friends list = Not all I'd like. ;)

GENERAL:
22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life = A lot.
23. Do you have any pets = Sadly, no.
24. Do you want to change your name = Maybe my last name. ;)
25. What did you do for your last birthday = Go to Harry Potter land!!
27. What time did you wake up today = Too late.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = Watching tv.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = LONDON!!!
30. Last time you saw your mother = Too long.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = Nothing. I love it.
32. What are you listening to right now = Family Guy episode.
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? Ugh. Unfortunately.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now = I'm almost out of wine, but not questions.
35. Last visited webpage = facebook.com
37. Nickname = Many.
38. Relationship status = Taken.
39. Zodiac Sign = Aptly, Virgo.
40. He or She = Me!
41. Elementary = Been there, done that.
42. High School = Doesn't count.
43. College = Hell.
44. Hair color = Brown.
45. Long or short = Long. ;)
46. Height = 5'4"
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = Yes.
48. What do you like about yourself? = Pass.
49. Piercings = God, no!
50. Tattoos = Absolutely not.
51. Righty or Lefty = Righty.

FIRSTS:
52. First surgery = Wisdom teeth removal?
53. First piercing = Ears as a baby.
54. First best friend = Martika Wilkins.
55. First sport you joined = Gymnastics/Dance.
56. First vacation = Can't remember.
57. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> = ???????????????
58. First pair of trainers = I'll let you know when I come back from England.

RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating = Nothing.
60. Drinking = Wine! We've been over this. :P
61. I'm about to = Do something naughty.
62. Listening To = Commercials from said Family Guy episode.
63. Waiting for = Chris Taylor to get off.

YOUR FUTURE:
64. Want kids? = Only if they're adopted.
65. Get Married? = We'll see.
66. Career? = Graduate?

WHICH IS BETTER:
67. Lips or eyes = Eyes.
68. Hugs or kisses = If we're talking Hersey's, Hugs all the way.
69. Shorter or Taller = Eh.
70. Older or Younger = -no comment- ;)
71. Romantic or Spontaneous = Spontaneously romantic.
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = How about a nice face?
73. Sensitive or Loud = Real.
74. Hook-up or relationship = Relationship.
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = Only trouble is interesting.

HAVE YOU EVER:
76. Kissed a stranger = Not yet. ;)
77. Drank hard liquor = Yes.
78. Lost Glasses/ Contacts = Nope.
79. Sex on first date = Nope.
80. Broken someones heart = Yes.
81. Had your heart broken = Yes.
82. Been arrested = As if they could catch me!
83. Turned someone down = Yes.
84. Cried when someone died = Yes.
85. Fallen for a friend = Yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself = Pass.
87. Miracles = Yes.
88. Love at first sight = Absolutely.
89. Heaven = Yes.
90. Santa Claus = Patron Saint of Charity, yes.
91. Kiss on the first date = Yes.
92. Angels = Yes.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Kitten - Pt. 2

She closed the door to the bedroom behind her; carefully. The hallway was empty, silent. She tip-toed her way to the bathroom and selected the number from her recents list.

“What’s wrong?” she asked into the phone, careful not to raise her voice too high.

“I can’t sleep... I just wanted to hear your voice.”

Coming from anyone else, the words would have made her gag. But somehow, the smooth voice that lulled her to sleep each night what seemed like a lifetime ago managed to pierce her skin and warm her blood. She smiled a small smile, only to herself.

“Why can’t you sleep?” she asked after a brief pause.

She heard him exhale deeply, covering the receiver in his weighted breath. And for some reason, that too made her smile. Imagining him in bed, alone, and knowing she was the only one on his mind gave her a sense of importance.. belonging.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I had some glasses of wine earlier. You think that would help me sleep.”

“You’d think.. but you’re not exactly normal.”

And so it began. She offering hurtful blows to his ego, tearing down his pride and he redoubling, defending, drawing closer. It was a dance they knew all too well. She loved the steps. But when the music ended, a blanket of silence fell over the conversation once again.

“I should probably go back to bed,” she said suddenly.

She heard him frown. “Oh, uhm, yeah. I guess you should.”

Though she knew she could very easily hang up, something inside wouldn’t let her so easily.

“Hey...” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

She opened her mouth to retort with something smartly sarcastic, but instead just answered, “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, kitten.”

The sound of that name made her melt. But her defenses quickly kicked in. “I think you’ve had too much to drink. Go to bed.”

With that, she hung up. Just for good measure, she flushed the toilet and ran her hands under the tap. Then she carefully made her way back into her bed.

“Hmmph?” He rolled over to face her.

She pulled his face close, gave him a kiss, and wrapped her arms tightly around him. This is what she loved, the feeling of him next to her. The warmth of his body, the softness of his skin. His smell. The way he made her feel. She was his girl.

And his kitten.

When You're Away

When you're away from me
Sometimes I just can't breathe
You're my sun, sky, and air
And I hate when you're not there
For me,
it's like dying
but no crying
because I'm trying
to go on.
But this feels so wrong.
Please come back to me
because I can't wait to breathe.

----

Just a little nothing I wrote in like 2 mins. But I like it, so yeah.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Kitten

“Do you think I’m pretty?” she asked, half of her expecting an answer, the other not wanting to know what that answer may be. They lay in her bed, the light of the television painting the room in a bright blue glow.

He had no hesitations before responding. “You’re beautiful.” He placed a kiss on her forehead, hoping to ease away any more frivolous thoughts.

She sighed, knowing that was the only response she would ever gain from him. Even after two years, she knew he would only feed her what she wanted to hear. Still, she pushed the subject further. “You know what I mean.” Her voice was strained, almost pleading with him to defer from showering her with compliments. She was drowning in his false confidence.

“You don’t believe me?”

Here we go, she thought to herself. “I didn’t say that.”

He moved closer to her, wrapping his arms around her frame.He kissed her shoulder, then he pecked forehead again. “Sweetie, I love you. You’re perfect.”

She sighed, turning to face him now. His arms still surrounded her body, holding a hand at the small of her back and the other sweeping stray hairs away from her face. She locked eyes with him, focusing on the round dark circle swimming in a sea of blue. “You know I don’t believe in perfect.”

He playfully swatted her butt as if to scold her. “Perfect for me.”

He cupped her cheek and kissed her lips. She held the kiss, reveling in the feel of his mouth on hers. In that moment, she wished she could freeze time. She felt so small, enveloped in his arms, blanketed by his body mass. It was warm, comforting.

Within moments, they were both asleep. Every now and then, his snoring would stir her awake and she would have to reposition herself. Her movement was a way to gently alert him without fully waking him. She hated to wake him while he was asleep, even though his snoring sometimes made it impossible for her to get any rest some nights. For all of his snoring, he actually was a light sleeper; she could never leave the bed without waking him.

She was a lighter sleeper, though. The slightest vibration near her head sent her eyes flying open. A bright white light emanated from the device plugged into the wall adjacent to her. She glanced over, first noticing the time: 3:42a. What the fuck... She looked over at him. He was still fast asleep.

It was a text: ‘Hey, are you awake?’

She considered not answering. But no one texted at 3 o’clock in the morning just to chat. And though she tried to ignore the text, she cared too much for the sender to do so. ‘What’s up?’ she sent back.

‘Can you talk?’

‘No. Are you okay?’

‘I’m just having some trouble sleeping.’

‘I wasn’t. :P’

A low growl started at her side. She looked over at him, a man who loved her unconditionally, sleeping peacefully through the night. She envied him, being able to sleep so soundly. She looked back at her phone: ‘5 minutes. Please, kitten?’

She bit down on her lower lip and melted. Carefully, she swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood up. No sooner had she left the bed did he roll over to face her. “Mmphh..?” he breathed.

“Bathroom,” she said simply. He accepted the lie instantly, resuming his position and falling limp again. God bless him, she thought as she made her way to the door, he can’t stand to see me go.

Crossroads

I'm not good at a lot of things: I'm lazy, apathetic, and flaky. I forget. A lot. Despite my current employment, I suck at math. Hard. (Thanks again, Rachel!) I'm uncoordinated. I stumble, run into things, fall down. I've even been told "I wouldn't call the way you move dancing." Though that last one may have been a compliment...

I like to call myself a writer but I haven't published anything or even completed a project that wasn't for a grade. And most of those have been close calls. Or late altogether. I don't even have the balls to submit anything for professional critique.

Still, I can't help but feeling like I'm capable of something more.

This morning, I was in the library and found myself looking at grad schools. Again. UNO to be exact. While glossing over the admission requirements, I felt a certain sense of excitement and temptation. But I also felt lost and overwhelmed. And a little guilty.

For so much of my life - in fact all of it, I've been told what to do; pointed in the right direction. I became secure with that. I daresay I'm dependently secure in it. Now, it seems like all those guiding forces have left me and I'm completely and utterly lost. Alone. Confused. I don't know what I should do. I don't know what I want.

What do I want?
What do I want?
What the fuck do I want?

Such a question...

Even if I knew what I wanted, I don't know how to get it. I'm not even sure I have the ability to get what I want. I've never had to make decisions before. Can I be trusted to plan my future? How will I know it's right? Is there a wrong way?

I've been bred as a creature of submission: Tell me what to do and I'll do it. Give me parameters, restrictions and I'll perform well. Very well. It's part of being a Virgo. It's part of being a younger sibling. It's part of being the daughter of a protective mother. It's who I am. It's all I know.

Just do what you want.

That would be sound advice, if only I knew what I wanted...

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

WWYD?

What would you do if you knew something you weren't supposed to? Something you knew you couldn't be trusted with? Something that you couldn't forget?

Would you use that information? What about the additional information you gained from the original secret you weren't supposed to know?

Would you feel guilty? Would you tell him?

Would you do it again?

What to do? What to do?

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

P.S. - Yeah, don't ask. I'm going through some things right now...

My Life According to Jason Mraz

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 15 people you like and include me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "MyLlife According to (band name)".

Pick your Artist: Jason Mraz

Describe Yourself: Geek in the Pink

How do you feel: Lucky

Describe where you currently live: Galaxy

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Bella Luna

Your favorite form of transportation: Plane

Your best friend is: Not So Usual

You and your best friends are: Coyotes

What's the weather like: Forecast

Favorite time of day: After an Afternoon

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: A Beautiful Mess

What is life to you: Life is Wonderful

Your last relationship: You and I Both

Your fear: The Darkest Speace

What is the best advice you have to give: Live High

Thought for the Day: Make It Mine

How I would like to die: Kickin' with You

My soul's present condition: Dynamo of Volition

My motto: No Doubling Back

____________

Okay, so yeah, that was a bit harder that expected. Especially since I could really only name about 10 Jason Mraz songs off the top of my head. The others I got from here. But that was fun!

As y'all know, I don't write notes (which is what this originally was on FB and I was tagged), so if you want to do this just post on your blog and I'll be sure to read it! :)

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Tomorrow

So... someone very dear to me that I care about very much is turning 30 in just a few days (7 to be exact!). I wrote this to explain my feelings on the situation and hopefully ease him:

"Tomorrow"

Do not worry about tomorrow, love
for we cannot fear what we're unsure of.
The sun will rise
and it shall set,
but between, be content.

Tomorrow you grow older
and soon I hope to follow.
If God be gracious
to grant me tomorrow.

Tomorrow, tommorow...
Oh, it comes hurriedly!
So close your eyes, rest your head
and stay with me.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Come to bed, honey

I was sitting in class today, noming on some animal crackers, waiting for the teacher to start. Well, I guess I had my hands too close to my face because the next thing I know, I have my palms to my nose and inhaling deeply with the biggest smile on my face. My hands still smelled like Irish Spring. Which is the soap my boyfriend uses in his bathroom.

I love staying with him. One night is never enough. Before we went to sleep, I watched him come into the room through half open eyes, pulled back the blanket and smiled. "What is it?" he asked. I just kept smiling. "Why are you smiling like that?" I simply answered, "Come to bed, honey."

Those four words felt so good to say. Come to bed, honey. Hold me close while I feel the rhythmic rise and fall of your chest against my back. I want to feel your arms around me, keeping me safe. I want to feel your lips kiss me gently on the forehead before you whisper, "I love you, Kaylyn." (whether you know I'm asleep or not). I want to fall asleep in your grasp and wake up to your face. I want this tonight and every night. So, come to bed honey. Come, stay with me.

Simple moments like these really ground me in our relationship. What it is now and what I hope it will be. Whether I'm making eggs for him or picking out a new dress shirt and tie combination for an event we're attending or just simply asking him to come to bed... I realize this is our life. Together. And that makes me indescribably happy.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

There is an I in FAIL

So I took a test today that I felt pretty prepared for. I actually studied for about 2 hours last night--yes, me, I studied a head of time for a test instead of cramming the morning of. I made out a detailed study guide for the type of question I was made to believe I should expect. I even hand wrote the study guide, woke up early, went to school an hour before class and typed it. I was thinking that if I could see the material twice and retain it better. Which actualy worked pretty well. I waited outside my classroom, reading over my now-printed out study guide which by now I could pretty much recite by heart.

The class settled in. Only about 12 people were brave enough to take the test. As the teacher came in with her stack of exams, I felt confident... Bring it on, baby! Then, I saw the test.... Take it back, please!

I wasn't prepared at all for the questions on the exam. But the policy is, "If you see the test, you take the test. And if you take the test, I grade the test." Needless to say, I sat there in a state of complete shock followed by a deep depression. I must have stared at the words for a full 10 mins, hoping there was something on the page that would save me. No dice. I wanted to cry. But I pulled myself together and just started writing.

I wish this were the paragraph where I say I started writing, things started flowing out fluidly, and I realized I knew more than I thought. I wish I were writing, "while making my study guide, I picked up a lot more than just the answers I was looking for." But life isn't like that. Not mine. Not this time.

I fucked up. My focus was so narrow that I left no wiggle room for the possibility of another type of question being asked on the test. So now, I wait for the dismal score to be returned. I've already told myself it's a 0 and have worked out the different scenerios required for a decent gpa from the class.

I'm learning to live with my decision. I'm upset, yes. But I also know the professor has a right to ask whatever questions she wishes. And I'm supposed to be prepared. I know that now. And I'll know for next time. Guess that's the real knowledge gained from all this.


.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Silver Lining

Often times, I'm shocked and appalled at what passes between humans these days. How we can so easily hurt each other. How immoral things are now considered the norm and there are those who would make a profit of it. I'm talking to you, Ashley Madison! Still, I know there is hope.

Nothing examplified this better than the unexpected gift I got this morning:

After being caught behind a terrible car accident on the interstate on my way to school and making it to campus later than planned, I decided to quickly duck into Coates to get a little snack before class. I emptied the change from my wallet (because what I wanted isn't in the machine that accepts TigerCards) and proceeded to the vending area. I put my quarter through the slot and heard a hollow clanking from the machine. It didn't register. Being a Barbe kid, I know that all vending machines have their temperments and some require "special treatment" to work. So I didn't panic, I simply retrieved my quarter and tried again, this time being careful to roll the quarter slowly down the slot. Clank. No dice.

Still, I had other coins so I tried a dime thinking maybe the machine was full of quarters and couldn't accept anymore. Tender amount: $.10 Sweet. I try another. $.20, $.30, $.40 I'm out of dimes. So I try a nickle. Clank. Sighing at the dismal realization of not getting my morning noms, I pressed the release button and retrieved my change from the machine. As I turned to leave, I noticed a girl standing behind me smiling and holding out a dollar. I don't know the amount of time she had been standing there, but I'm guessing it was significant enough to know I was having trouble with the machine taking my change. I thanked her and gave her my handful of change. She even stepped back to allow me to use her dollar to get my snack. After snatching my animal crackers (yes, this was all for animal crackers) from the bottom of the machine, I thanked her again and dashed off to class.

That girl was still on my mind while walking through the quad. Instead of being impatient and tapping her foot or sighing louldly to alert me of her presence, she had waited calmly, watching my plight with the machine and then offered help after I had given up. She didn't know me and still, she helped.

Some people call it a silver lining. Some call it moments of unscripted grace. Some call it Ace Ventura Jr. For me, it's a girl in Coates with a spare dollar.

So, to that girl in Coates with a dollar, thank you (again). Thank you for letting me know my faith in humanity is not wasted and that there is still good in the world.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Compliments of Miss Rachel

Okay, boys and girls, it's time to play a little game: You are to repost this with the first word you see in the wordsearch. If I'm understanding this correctly... So, uhm, yeah.

"CRUSH FOOL"

First word(s) I saw. Which I find ironic because I am a romantic. And more often than not, romanticism is associated with being "foolish" or the cliched "hopeless romantic" so..yeah.. interesting.

Thanks Rachel! :)

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*~o:.

Love's Great Burden

I wear my cross on my hand
encircling my finger, this cursed band
of polished metal and sparkling stone
my burden to bear and mine alone

Given to me with honest intent
to love the giver without relent
but this gift I now resent
and its meaning so lament.

Sadness the child of fear unnamed
fear of living with a heart contained
Such fear accompanies shame
and I alone bear the blame.

To lose the ring, to break the bond
and all the things which correspond
To know his token I no longer wear
that is a cross I cannot bear.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.