Story of the Heart

He was the most attractive boy in the 11th grade. Or, at least, to her he was. To others, he was just another nameless face in the crowd. A weird kid. But, to her, she was the reason for going to school. He was beautiful and kind. She liked that he wasn't like all the others. There was something behind that mask of mystery; something she wished desperately to uncover.

The pages of her diary curled with her secret wanting. Only one other person knew of her true feelings. It wasn't her mother. It wasn't her sister. It was her best friend, Xavier. And although Xavier had tried desperately to unlock the secrets of his soul through well-planned and often seemingly innocent late-night conversations, he remained unmoved. She found herself crushed. And utterly lost. After a while, she decided it wasn't fair to ask this of another person--not even her best friend. Especially her best friend. After all, was it not her heart (and her heart alone) which ached?

Wrong.

She resolved she would tell him her she felt. And she gave herself two weeks to do it. Christmas break. But something happened before she gathered the much-needed courage. She found out she wasn't alone. There was another who vied for his affections like her. And she decided it was best to take a back seat to the other and watch the universe unfold to its own will. If he did feel for the other as she thought he did, he'd be happy. If he denied the other, then there was hope for her yet. It seemed all too perfect.

Christmas break came and went in the blink of an eye. And nothing had changed. The other was not as brave as she thought. She still had a chance. But could she risk it? She wanted to. Desperately.

Then, it happened. After sitting in the passenger's seat of Xavier's truck for over an hour, pouring out her heart and confessing her feelings, she got the advice she needed: Sometimes you gotta jump to get somewheres.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Title? I haven't thought of one yet...

So... I read this awesome quote the other day. It made me think. I really like it. It's like one of those "words to live by" quotes, in my opinion. Anyway, I know I should write it down because the sticky I scribbled it on when I saw it online is bound to get buried under the mountains of school work and other crap I have. Here's the quote:

It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.

Wow. Isn't that...powerful? I don't know who said it or what it's from. It just...came to me when I was reading random stuff online. Good things come to you that way.

Yeah, ponder that.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Writer's Block

As I reviewed the pages of my old journals from last year, I realized something. I was on that "stuff" last year. "Eating those crack berries," as my cousin Alexis would say.

The more I thought about it, though, and the more I read, I realized that I wrote with such passion last year. Such conviction in my words. I really immersed myself in whatever I was writing because I believed each journal to be a soul-searching journey in which I'd find myself. Perhaps I wanted more of a self-discovery to come from my writing as result of some subconsciousness. I found such comfort in the fact these journals--these personal writings were mine and mine alone to keep. These days, it seems I've lost that pride in my work because I so freely hand it out. Perhaps this is my own version of self-destruction in order to avoid criticism. Maybe I don't write the same now because I know people are going to read it. Then again, I freely hand it to them on request. I really don't know. But what I do know is that my writing changed. For the worse.

I wanna find the girl I was last year. I want her to write again. I need her so that I can believe again. Believe in my writing. And, ultimately, believe in myself.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Welcome 2008!

Well, the new year is here and what have I got accomplished? Absolutely nothing. Or, rather, I should say nothing I'd hope to have accomplished by this point. It's strange to think that I'm half way through my last year of high school. Strange. Scary. Nauseating when I really think about it, actually...

People say to "cherish the moments" when they reach the end of their lives but I can't wait that long--hoping and praying it will be long, that is. I want to remember and cherish things in the now! How could I forget G-building or the "ED Ward"? Mardi Gras or the pole (yes, even the pole!)? Homecoming and Sadie? And, of course, the best New Year's to date? These memories will stick with me as I journey into college.

Thank you to everyone who made 2007 memorable and I look forward to an awesome 2008.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.