My first experiment in free verse. No rhyme, no meter, no musicality; very unlike my usual stuff, I know. So it's going be bumpy. At best.
----
I've been having these thoughts
awful
wrenching
haunting
unyielding thoughts.
I thought I could write them down
bind them together
tie them up
imprison them
silence them.
Instead
they rebounded
they redoubled
they regained momentum and pushed through the recesses I had forced them in to.
Angry, they came in full force
thoughts
thoughts
thoughts
images
images
words
behavior.
A smile, a glance, a look
Touch.
Smell.
Wanting.
Curiosity...
.:o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.
Note: I can't explain what it means to write out these feelings. Though they may seem random, the words have meaning. This piece means a lot to me. It's a very troubling subject. I can't explain it. So don't ask.
26.5.11
16.5.11
Cheez-It!
As you all know, I don't do notes on Facebook. But I love Chih, so here ya go:
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 Truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.
NAME: Kaylyn Hawkins
Age: 20
BIRTHDATE: 09/20/1990
PRESENT ADDRESS: Varies. :P
WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage = Moscato
2. last phone call = Margan
3. last text message = Chris Taylor
4. last song you listened to = Does the Law&Order theme song count?
5. last time you cried = Mid-semester nervous break-down. Wasn't pretty.
HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice = Regrettably.
7. been cheated on = Yes.
8. kissed someone & regretted it? = Only the timing. ;)
9. lost someone special = Yes
10. been depressed = No.
11. been drunk and threw up = Haha. Yes. Welcome to college!
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Blue
13. Blue
14. Blue
LAST YEAR (2010), HAVE YOU:
15. Made a new friend = Many!
16. Fallen out of love = No.
17. Laughed until you cried = Nearly everytime.
18. Met someone who changed you = Doesn't everyone?
19. Found out who your true friends were = Always knew.
20. Found out someone was talking about you = They always are.
21. Kiss anyone on your friends list = Not all I'd like. ;)
GENERAL:
22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life = A lot.
23. Do you have any pets = Sadly, no.
24. Do you want to change your name = Maybe my last name. ;)
25. What did you do for your last birthday = Go to Harry Potter land!!
27. What time did you wake up today = Too late.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = Watching tv.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = LONDON!!!
30. Last time you saw your mother = Too long.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = Nothing. I love it.
32. What are you listening to right now = Family Guy episode.
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? Ugh. Unfortunately.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now = I'm almost out of wine, but not questions.
35. Last visited webpage = facebook.com
37. Nickname = Many.
38. Relationship status = Taken.
39. Zodiac Sign = Aptly, Virgo.
40. He or She = Me!
41. Elementary = Been there, done that.
42. High School = Doesn't count.
43. College = Hell.
44. Hair color = Brown.
45. Long or short = Long. ;)
46. Height = 5'4"
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = Yes.
48. What do you like about yourself? = Pass.
49. Piercings = God, no!
50. Tattoos = Absolutely not.
51. Righty or Lefty = Righty.
FIRSTS:
52. First surgery = Wisdom teeth removal?
53. First piercing = Ears as a baby.
54. First best friend = Martika Wilkins.
55. First sport you joined = Gymnastics/Dance.
56. First vacation = Can't remember.
57. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> = ???????????????
58. First pair of trainers = I'll let you know when I come back from England.
RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating = Nothing.
60. Drinking = Wine! We've been over this. :P
61. I'm about to = Do something naughty.
62. Listening To = Commercials from said Family Guy episode.
63. Waiting for = Chris Taylor to get off.
YOUR FUTURE:
64. Want kids? = Only if they're adopted.
65. Get Married? = We'll see.
66. Career? = Graduate?
WHICH IS BETTER:
67. Lips or eyes = Eyes.
68. Hugs or kisses = If we're talking Hersey's, Hugs all the way.
69. Shorter or Taller = Eh.
70. Older or Younger = -no comment- ;)
71. Romantic or Spontaneous = Spontaneously romantic.
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = How about a nice face?
73. Sensitive or Loud = Real.
74. Hook-up or relationship = Relationship.
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = Only trouble is interesting.
HAVE YOU EVER:
76. Kissed a stranger = Not yet. ;)
77. Drank hard liquor = Yes.
78. Lost Glasses/ Contacts = Nope.
79. Sex on first date = Nope.
80. Broken someones heart = Yes.
81. Had your heart broken = Yes.
82. Been arrested = As if they could catch me!
83. Turned someone down = Yes.
84. Cried when someone died = Yes.
85. Fallen for a friend = Yes.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself = Pass.
87. Miracles = Yes.
88. Love at first sight = Absolutely.
89. Heaven = Yes.
90. Santa Claus = Patron Saint of Charity, yes.
91. Kiss on the first date = Yes.
92. Angels = Yes.
.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 Truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.
NAME: Kaylyn Hawkins
Age: 20
BIRTHDATE: 09/20/1990
PRESENT ADDRESS: Varies. :P
WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage = Moscato
2. last phone call = Margan
3. last text message = Chris Taylor
4. last song you listened to = Does the Law&Order theme song count?
5. last time you cried = Mid-semester nervous break-down. Wasn't pretty.
HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice = Regrettably.
7. been cheated on = Yes.
8. kissed someone & regretted it? = Only the timing. ;)
9. lost someone special = Yes
10. been depressed = No.
11. been drunk and threw up = Haha. Yes. Welcome to college!
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Blue
13. Blue
14. Blue
LAST YEAR (2010), HAVE YOU:
15. Made a new friend = Many!
16. Fallen out of love = No.
17. Laughed until you cried = Nearly everytime.
18. Met someone who changed you = Doesn't everyone?
19. Found out who your true friends were = Always knew.
20. Found out someone was talking about you = They always are.
21. Kiss anyone on your friends list = Not all I'd like. ;)
GENERAL:
22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life = A lot.
23. Do you have any pets = Sadly, no.
24. Do you want to change your name = Maybe my last name. ;)
25. What did you do for your last birthday = Go to Harry Potter land!!
27. What time did you wake up today = Too late.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = Watching tv.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = LONDON!!!
30. Last time you saw your mother = Too long.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = Nothing. I love it.
32. What are you listening to right now = Family Guy episode.
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? Ugh. Unfortunately.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now = I'm almost out of wine, but not questions.
35. Last visited webpage = facebook.com
37. Nickname = Many.
38. Relationship status = Taken.
39. Zodiac Sign = Aptly, Virgo.
40. He or She = Me!
41. Elementary = Been there, done that.
42. High School = Doesn't count.
43. College = Hell.
44. Hair color = Brown.
45. Long or short = Long. ;)
46. Height = 5'4"
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = Yes.
48. What do you like about yourself? = Pass.
49. Piercings = God, no!
50. Tattoos = Absolutely not.
51. Righty or Lefty = Righty.
FIRSTS:
52. First surgery = Wisdom teeth removal?
53. First piercing = Ears as a baby.
54. First best friend = Martika Wilkins.
55. First sport you joined = Gymnastics/Dance.
56. First vacation = Can't remember.
57. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> = ???????????????
58. First pair of trainers = I'll let you know when I come back from England.
RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating = Nothing.
60. Drinking = Wine! We've been over this. :P
61. I'm about to = Do something naughty.
62. Listening To = Commercials from said Family Guy episode.
63. Waiting for = Chris Taylor to get off.
YOUR FUTURE:
64. Want kids? = Only if they're adopted.
65. Get Married? = We'll see.
66. Career? = Graduate?
WHICH IS BETTER:
67. Lips or eyes = Eyes.
68. Hugs or kisses = If we're talking Hersey's, Hugs all the way.
69. Shorter or Taller = Eh.
70. Older or Younger = -no comment- ;)
71. Romantic or Spontaneous = Spontaneously romantic.
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = How about a nice face?
73. Sensitive or Loud = Real.
74. Hook-up or relationship = Relationship.
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = Only trouble is interesting.
HAVE YOU EVER:
76. Kissed a stranger = Not yet. ;)
77. Drank hard liquor = Yes.
78. Lost Glasses/ Contacts = Nope.
79. Sex on first date = Nope.
80. Broken someones heart = Yes.
81. Had your heart broken = Yes.
82. Been arrested = As if they could catch me!
83. Turned someone down = Yes.
84. Cried when someone died = Yes.
85. Fallen for a friend = Yes.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself = Pass.
87. Miracles = Yes.
88. Love at first sight = Absolutely.
89. Heaven = Yes.
90. Santa Claus = Patron Saint of Charity, yes.
91. Kiss on the first date = Yes.
92. Angels = Yes.
.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.
Kitten - Pt. 2
She closed the door to the bedroom behind her; carefully. The hallway was empty, silent. She tip-toed her way to the bathroom and selected the number from her recents list.
“What’s wrong?” she asked into the phone, careful not to raise her voice too high.
“I can’t sleep... I just wanted to hear your voice.”
Coming from anyone else, the words would have made her gag. But somehow, the smooth voice that lulled her to sleep each night what seemed like a lifetime ago managed to pierce her skin and warm her blood. She smiled a small smile, only to herself.
“Why can’t you sleep?” she asked after a brief pause.
She heard him exhale deeply, covering the receiver in his weighted breath. And for some reason, that too made her smile. Imagining him in bed, alone, and knowing she was the only one on his mind gave her a sense of importance.. belonging.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I had some glasses of wine earlier. You think that would help me sleep.”
“You’d think.. but you’re not exactly normal.”
And so it began. She offering hurtful blows to his ego, tearing down his pride and he redoubling, defending, drawing closer. It was a dance they knew all too well. She loved the steps. But when the music ended, a blanket of silence fell over the conversation once again.
“I should probably go back to bed,” she said suddenly.
She heard him frown. “Oh, uhm, yeah. I guess you should.”
Though she knew she could very easily hang up, something inside wouldn’t let her so easily.
“Hey...” he said.
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
She opened her mouth to retort with something smartly sarcastic, but instead just answered, “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, kitten.”
The sound of that name made her melt. But her defenses quickly kicked in. “I think you’ve had too much to drink. Go to bed.”
With that, she hung up. Just for good measure, she flushed the toilet and ran her hands under the tap. Then she carefully made her way back into her bed.
“Hmmph?” He rolled over to face her.
She pulled his face close, gave him a kiss, and wrapped her arms tightly around him. This is what she loved, the feeling of him next to her. The warmth of his body, the softness of his skin. His smell. The way he made her feel. She was his girl.
And his kitten.
“What’s wrong?” she asked into the phone, careful not to raise her voice too high.
“I can’t sleep... I just wanted to hear your voice.”
Coming from anyone else, the words would have made her gag. But somehow, the smooth voice that lulled her to sleep each night what seemed like a lifetime ago managed to pierce her skin and warm her blood. She smiled a small smile, only to herself.
“Why can’t you sleep?” she asked after a brief pause.
She heard him exhale deeply, covering the receiver in his weighted breath. And for some reason, that too made her smile. Imagining him in bed, alone, and knowing she was the only one on his mind gave her a sense of importance.. belonging.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I had some glasses of wine earlier. You think that would help me sleep.”
“You’d think.. but you’re not exactly normal.”
And so it began. She offering hurtful blows to his ego, tearing down his pride and he redoubling, defending, drawing closer. It was a dance they knew all too well. She loved the steps. But when the music ended, a blanket of silence fell over the conversation once again.
“I should probably go back to bed,” she said suddenly.
She heard him frown. “Oh, uhm, yeah. I guess you should.”
Though she knew she could very easily hang up, something inside wouldn’t let her so easily.
“Hey...” he said.
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
She opened her mouth to retort with something smartly sarcastic, but instead just answered, “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, kitten.”
The sound of that name made her melt. But her defenses quickly kicked in. “I think you’ve had too much to drink. Go to bed.”
With that, she hung up. Just for good measure, she flushed the toilet and ran her hands under the tap. Then she carefully made her way back into her bed.
“Hmmph?” He rolled over to face her.
She pulled his face close, gave him a kiss, and wrapped her arms tightly around him. This is what she loved, the feeling of him next to her. The warmth of his body, the softness of his skin. His smell. The way he made her feel. She was his girl.
And his kitten.
8.5.11
When You're Away
When you're away from me
Sometimes I just can't breathe
You're my sun, sky, and air
And I hate when you're not there
For me,
it's like dying
but no crying
because I'm trying
to go on.
But this feels so wrong.
Please come back to me
because I can't wait to breathe.
----
Just a little nothing I wrote in like 2 mins. But I like it, so yeah.
.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.
Sometimes I just can't breathe
You're my sun, sky, and air
And I hate when you're not there
For me,
it's like dying
but no crying
because I'm trying
to go on.
But this feels so wrong.
Please come back to me
because I can't wait to breathe.
----
Just a little nothing I wrote in like 2 mins. But I like it, so yeah.
.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.
4.5.11
Kitten
“Do you think I’m pretty?” she asked, half of her expecting an answer, the other not wanting to know what that answer may be. They lay in her bed, the light of the television painting the room in a bright blue glow.
He had no hesitations before responding. “You’re beautiful.” He placed a kiss on her forehead, hoping to ease away any more frivolous thoughts.
She sighed, knowing that was the only response she would ever gain from him. Even after two years, she knew he would only feed her what she wanted to hear. Still, she pushed the subject further. “You know what I mean.” Her voice was strained, almost pleading with him to defer from showering her with compliments. She was drowning in his false confidence.
“You don’t believe me?”
Here we go, she thought to herself. “I didn’t say that.”
He moved closer to her, wrapping his arms around her frame.He kissed her shoulder, then he pecked forehead again. “Sweetie, I love you. You’re perfect.”
She sighed, turning to face him now. His arms still surrounded her body, holding a hand at the small of her back and the other sweeping stray hairs away from her face. She locked eyes with him, focusing on the round dark circle swimming in a sea of blue. “You know I don’t believe in perfect.”
He playfully swatted her butt as if to scold her. “Perfect for me.”
He cupped her cheek and kissed her lips. She held the kiss, reveling in the feel of his mouth on hers. In that moment, she wished she could freeze time. She felt so small, enveloped in his arms, blanketed by his body mass. It was warm, comforting.
Within moments, they were both asleep. Every now and then, his snoring would stir her awake and she would have to reposition herself. Her movement was a way to gently alert him without fully waking him. She hated to wake him while he was asleep, even though his snoring sometimes made it impossible for her to get any rest some nights. For all of his snoring, he actually was a light sleeper; she could never leave the bed without waking him.
She was a lighter sleeper, though. The slightest vibration near her head sent her eyes flying open. A bright white light emanated from the device plugged into the wall adjacent to her. She glanced over, first noticing the time: 3:42a. What the fuck... She looked over at him. He was still fast asleep.
It was a text: ‘Hey, are you awake?’
She considered not answering. But no one texted at 3 o’clock in the morning just to chat. And though she tried to ignore the text, she cared too much for the sender to do so. ‘What’s up?’ she sent back.
‘Can you talk?’
‘No. Are you okay?’
‘I’m just having some trouble sleeping.’
‘I wasn’t. :P’
A low growl started at her side. She looked over at him, a man who loved her unconditionally, sleeping peacefully through the night. She envied him, being able to sleep so soundly. She looked back at her phone: ‘5 minutes. Please, kitten?’
She bit down on her lower lip and melted. Carefully, she swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood up. No sooner had she left the bed did he roll over to face her. “Mmphh..?” he breathed.
“Bathroom,” she said simply. He accepted the lie instantly, resuming his position and falling limp again. God bless him, she thought as she made her way to the door, he can’t stand to see me go.
He had no hesitations before responding. “You’re beautiful.” He placed a kiss on her forehead, hoping to ease away any more frivolous thoughts.
She sighed, knowing that was the only response she would ever gain from him. Even after two years, she knew he would only feed her what she wanted to hear. Still, she pushed the subject further. “You know what I mean.” Her voice was strained, almost pleading with him to defer from showering her with compliments. She was drowning in his false confidence.
“You don’t believe me?”
Here we go, she thought to herself. “I didn’t say that.”
He moved closer to her, wrapping his arms around her frame.He kissed her shoulder, then he pecked forehead again. “Sweetie, I love you. You’re perfect.”
She sighed, turning to face him now. His arms still surrounded her body, holding a hand at the small of her back and the other sweeping stray hairs away from her face. She locked eyes with him, focusing on the round dark circle swimming in a sea of blue. “You know I don’t believe in perfect.”
He playfully swatted her butt as if to scold her. “Perfect for me.”
He cupped her cheek and kissed her lips. She held the kiss, reveling in the feel of his mouth on hers. In that moment, she wished she could freeze time. She felt so small, enveloped in his arms, blanketed by his body mass. It was warm, comforting.
Within moments, they were both asleep. Every now and then, his snoring would stir her awake and she would have to reposition herself. Her movement was a way to gently alert him without fully waking him. She hated to wake him while he was asleep, even though his snoring sometimes made it impossible for her to get any rest some nights. For all of his snoring, he actually was a light sleeper; she could never leave the bed without waking him.
She was a lighter sleeper, though. The slightest vibration near her head sent her eyes flying open. A bright white light emanated from the device plugged into the wall adjacent to her. She glanced over, first noticing the time: 3:42a. What the fuck... She looked over at him. He was still fast asleep.
It was a text: ‘Hey, are you awake?’
She considered not answering. But no one texted at 3 o’clock in the morning just to chat. And though she tried to ignore the text, she cared too much for the sender to do so. ‘What’s up?’ she sent back.
‘Can you talk?’
‘No. Are you okay?’
‘I’m just having some trouble sleeping.’
‘I wasn’t. :P’
A low growl started at her side. She looked over at him, a man who loved her unconditionally, sleeping peacefully through the night. She envied him, being able to sleep so soundly. She looked back at her phone: ‘5 minutes. Please, kitten?’
She bit down on her lower lip and melted. Carefully, she swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood up. No sooner had she left the bed did he roll over to face her. “Mmphh..?” he breathed.
“Bathroom,” she said simply. He accepted the lie instantly, resuming his position and falling limp again. God bless him, she thought as she made her way to the door, he can’t stand to see me go.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)