Examinating Reality

I find myself crossing back over a bridge that has swung and swayed in the Winds of Time. In a land buried beneath the old and dripping with memories. Where the light illuminates forgotten images in a warm glow. Here, I am safe. I am happy. I am free. This is my escape. My Utopia. My past.

Okay so this is my "artistic" way of describing the last couple weeks for me. It's been... Great, to say the very least. Living back at home with no homework or deadlines to speak of. No chores, either. Just work--yes, work. Work at a job I simply adore.

But the ghosts of the past seem to always rear their ugly head no matter how far away one tries to run from them. The attitudes, the drama, the back-stabbing... All I could do without and thought I had left behind in high school.

Am I wrong?

I shouldn't have to tell you I'm mad at you. I shouldn't have to whine to my best friend about how bad I feel after finding out what you said about me behind my back. I shouldn't be so angry with you that I can't enjoy a weekly tradition on account of your presence... Right?

If you were my friend--or, rather, because you are my friend--you would have noticed I couldn't even look at you then. You should have noticed I didn't talk to you that night. You should have picked up on the fact that I haven't been answering your texts by now.

I shouldn't have to hide behind my blog because I'm too afraid to tell you how I feel from fear of involving innocent people in this ugly mess. I shouldn't hope and pray you read this. I shouldn't rely on the chance that it causes you to look inside yourself and ask yourself whether or not you're in the wrong.

I wish I were braver.
I wish you were better.
I wish you hadn't hurt me.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

A Brother for Christmas

Buzzzz buzzzzz

It's just a text message, she thought to herself, I'll look at it later.

buzzzz buzzzzz buzzzzzz

She sighed. And groaned a little before rolling over. It wasn't a text message, it was the alarm. Time for work.

"Hey, you up?" came from the other side of her bedroom door. It was her mother.

She sat up, rubbed her eyes to get everything in focus and stretched her arms high above her head. "Yeah, I'm up."

"A'ight. Get ready for work."

Work. Work? Work! It sounded so weird. She thought about what it would be like to step through those big glass doors again. Only this time, she wouldn't be visiting or even taking in a movie. Tonight, she'd be actually useful for a change. Tonight, she'd be working.

She looked at the phone. Two missed calls. One from her cousin. One from her sister. She checked the times. Her cousin called most recently so she would be the first to be called back. Nothing personal, it's just how her phone listed the calls.

Riiiing riiiing

"Hey, you talk to your sister yet?"

Well, hello to you, too... "Uh, no. I saw she called but I--,"

"Yeah, well, you need to call her. It's important."

"Oh.. uhm.. okay... Thanks. Bye." Click.

She looked at the clock. Less than an hour to be get to work. She debated over calling her sister. Well, if it was important...

"Hey, Lexi said I should call you..?"

"Are you sitting down?"

Awkward. "Uh... yeah, I'm sitting on my bed. What's up?"

"So..uhm... You know how we always wondered what it be like to have a brother?"

She blinked a few times, rising from bed and pacing her room a little. Surely, her sister's boyfriend hadn't proposed... Not with no family around. No, no, no. Something's not right... "Yeah, I mean.. I guess... What does--"

"Yeah, so.. how's about a brother for Christmas?"

"Wait... what? I don't underst--,"

Then her sister let everything spill. She told her how some guy somehow used AT&T to get their phone numbers and had been contacting their cousin by mistake, thinking it was her because they're all on the same bill, talking about how important it was to speak with her. How this guy was 29 and met their father at a local bar he's known to frequent. How their father was this man's father too. And how their father had been paying child support all 18 years of this guy's life, but had never seen him or been there for him at all. How this guy knew of their existence but they had no idea of his--ever. How he was married with kids and wanted to know his family better. How he always knew they were in Lake Charles and wanted to meet for lunch one day to "talk about all this."

"So, yeah, what do you think? Like, what's going through your mind right now?"

She was speechless. "I... I think I need to get ready for work. I'll call you when I get off. Bye." Click.

She sighed, looked at the phone then the clock. Could this be really happening? Oh brother....

Fly Away...

It's the end of the semester now. You can tell because the library is filled with people. Seriously, it's impossible to find a computer nowadays. Which, when I think about it, is funny because half of the study body here probably didn't even know where the library was in August and now they're all crammed in here with their books (which were probably never opened before today) and notes (which are photocopies of someone else's) trying to make the best grade they can. I can't really blame them though. It just bothers me a little. If you haven't tried all semester, a last-minute cram session won't do you much good.

I suppose I'm a bit too hypocritical; too quick to judge. I just feel like some people at this school could really care less what their grades are. I know this because they barely show up for class and spend the rest of their time just "chillin" or smoking or drinking or doing some other idiotic task instead of trying to better themselves. I wish I could take some of these people, shake them, and ask, "Why are you here?" Like, Angelina Jolie in Wanted (EXCELLENT movie) style. The guy next to me, for example, has his notebook in his lap, a textbook on the desk, earphones in his ears, and the monitor is on Facebook. Facebook! Again, why are you here?

-sigh- What brave new world...

On a less bitchy note, I've been thinking about what I want to do next year. I'm not going to lie (to you, to myself) and say "be a better student" because I highly doubt that will happen. Highly. I could say I'll try. But knowing me and my dependable flakyness, I'll probably do really well the first week, get bored with it or interested in something else and slip back into my old habits. Just coasting along. Heh. Now that I think about it, that's kinda how I define myself when it comes to my relationship with others. I'm the flaky friend. The one you count on to be the one not to count on. The who's always forgetting stuff, waiting until the last minute, never coming through... That flaky bitch, Kaylyn. Yup, that's me.

Actually, when I started that paragraph, I did not know that would come out.

What I was supposed to say was this: I want to lose weight next year. Get healthy. I wanna eat right and exercise more. I've taken little steps already like taking the stairs (every time) instead of the elevator. Which was not so fun yesterday... I climbed like 4 flights. Then had to do it again about an hour later. 8 flights... But I felt good afterwards. Not physically, of course. Just proud. And I don't take the bus around campus. I walk everywhere. Every time. Even when it's raining. I mean, honestly, campus isn't that big. You can walk anywhere in about 10 minutes. At least I can.

But, yes, back on target: I want to lose weight. Not because I have a low self-esteem (at least not for that reason) or anything, but just to be healthy. My family's not exactly the Blanks so I have to combat genetics and my grandmothers' cooking... Hmmm... Pieee... -drool-

Ahem, yes, well... Weight. I want it gone. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning while brushing my teeth and saw something that shocked me: My collar bone. It made me smile. I have these weird little "things" I attribute to good health or good shape. Flat stomach, toned thighs... blah. And collar bones. Not scary "I can count my ribs"-skinny or anything, but just collar bones. I dunno. It's hard to explain. Especially in writing. Especially considering the fact, I type as I talk. Or, rather, type like I talk. Both, really.

So that's my New Year's resolution thus far. Lose weight. Cliche-much, I know. But I want to. I'll probably add more to it like giving up things I think are really bad to my health. Like sodas... Kudos to Rachel and Aaron! You're almost there! And, Rachel, I'm still buying you that Icee for New Year's. How's a 44-once sound? :P

I don't know how this'll turn out. Maybe I'll actually be the weight I claim to be on my driver's license...

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

This Weekend...

Best. Weekend. Ever.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

Reliving It and Loving It

So I try my best to have pretty cool titles for my blog. Something that's witty or alludes to what I'm talking about. Sometimes they're funny (tra la la) or reflect my current mood. But I'm noticing that with this new lay out--which I'm loving more and more everytime I see my blog--that titles don't show. Bummer. :( Maybe I'll start writing them at the top of my posts or something. idk.

Last night/ this morning was pretty fun. I stayed up the latest I have in a while. My roommate and I had a bunch of assignments to do before classes today. And, of course, I'm still taking on my own personal NaNo during the month of December. I'm doing pretty well on the latter. It flows a lot easier now. I find that now that I actually have a plan, the hard part is actually taking a moment to myself to just sit and write.

Anyway, back to last night... Adrianna and I clowned around for most of it. Wait for the fishes! Haha. Inside joke. We were up until about 3a. Actually, I finished a lot sooner than Adrianna. Since she had the light on and would occasionally ask me for help with the English she was working on, there was no point in trying to sleep. I spent my time trying to write and meet my word count goal for the day. Then I got sucked into watching loops of YouTube videos. Epic fail.

I decided to listen to upbeat music to keep me awake and alert. Plus, it helps me when writing. I started with current stuff like Lil' Wayne, who incidentally has 8 Grammy nominations, then I was hit with feelings of nostalgia. Enter 98 degrees, Backstreet Boys, N'Toon, and Sammie songs.

Everybodyyyy
Yeahhhhh
Rock ya bodyyyyy

It was really great hearing those songs again. Better yet, I actually remembered most if not all the lyrics to the songs. At the end of the videos, I looked the copyright dates. If I wasn't aware of how old, I was, that killed it. Ten years. I seem to remember running around my house screaming "Backstreet's back" at the top of my lungs and rushing into my sister's room to dance in her mirror with her like it was last week. Nope. Ten years. Wow.

So I'm thinking it'd be awesome if someone had a 90s party. Maybe like in the summer or something. But all the music would be from the 90s: Brittney, Christina, N*Sync, Backstreet Boys... All the classics. And we could dress like we did back then. Bright colors, mis-matched socks, jumpers and big hats.... I'm excited just thinking about it! Even though I know a snow storm in hell has a better chance of happening than this party, it's still a good idea, right?

Bye bye bye...

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.