3 Small Words, 1 Big Difference

A very good friend of mine once wrote that love is "indescribable trust." And when I first read these words I don't think I knew what he meant by that. But an experience this weekend made me realize he's right.

My boyfriend and I were watching an episode of Nip/Tuck and I was having trouble focusing. My thoughts made it difficult to concentrate on.. well, anything really. When he asked me if I was alright, I of course said yes. He said it seemed like something was wrong. I apologized and we went back to watching. Well, he did. I looked over and noticed he was looking at me. "What?" I asked. He said something just didn't seem right, I seemed distant. After about the fourth round of this back-and-forth questioning, I finally told him what was bothering me. I should have known better than to try to hide something from him.

When I confessed, I broke into uncontrollable crying because my thoughts were so deep and scary. He gathered me into his arms and let me cry on his shoulder, touching me gently and softly whispering it's okay. When I calmed down enough to speak, we talked about everything I was thinking and feeling. He put me at ease, letting me know my thoughts weren't unwarranted, but that I had nothing to worry about. He told me he loved me. And love him for that and so much more.

What I realized from that moment was that I can trust him with even my darkest insecurities. And that's an amazing feeling, to know you can be so open and honest with someone and know you won't be met with opposition or ridicule for being foolish or not trusting in them. Or yourself. It took me months to realize this, but I now know I fully trust him. I love him. And he loves me.

I think I had a problem with this in the past. I loved someone, but I didn't trust him. I didn't feel I could tell him what I was truly feeling; my insecurities about myself or the relationship. And ultimately that was our downfall. Now I know you can't have love without trust. Not real, deep, true love. And I'm so sorry I had to hurt someone before I could figure this out.

The Bible says:

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

And I realize that I've been punishing myself for about 10 months now, afraid to trust anyone but Rachel with my concerns and insecurities.

Finally, I'm ready to stop doing that. I'm ready to trust completely, indescribably. I'm ready to have a perfect love. Even though I don't believe in the word perfect, I'm willing to try.

And I hope you're ready and willing to try with me.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.