Searching for Serenity

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

He's here now. There's no denying it anymore. I saw him. I saw his face--so much like my father's. I heard his voice. I heard him say my name...

Carey. That's his name. My brother. Half-brother. God, it looks so strange in print. The word's so alien to me: brother. I could type it a hundred times and still be in disbelief. I've never had a brother. And this is certainly not the circumstances I wished to gain one from.

I've been told I'm acting selfishly. Bratty. Bitchy. Wrong. And I always ask Why? The answers always the same: Think about Carey. He didn't ask for this. He's been without a father. He just wanted to know you. And while I agree with that, I also realize that was a choice. He chose to seek us out after finding out about us. He was free to choose something else. So why can't I be free to choose to not automatically accept him? Not to feel awkward? To not want this? Don't I get a choice? Or am I just to follow his decision, even though it affects me? That doesn't seem fair to me.

If anything, he needs a relationship with my father. His father. Not me. There's nothing I can do for him.

I keep holding on to some small glimmer of hope that this could possibly not be real. That I'll wake up and realize it was all a dream. Or Ashton will jump out. Maybe if I click my heels... I'd settle for either at the moment.

Now that it's here--he's here, I should try to accept it. But I don't want to. I feel like I wasn't given a choice. I just needed time. I need time. I want time.

I can't change this, may as well accept it.
Or the courage to find a way change it....