Love is a Four-Letter Word

Once again, I find myself listening to music to help me concentrate on one task but the melodies have bought me a one-way ticket onto a totally unrelated train of thought. And it's a train I'd really like to miss because I never discuss my emotions. But, I also never ignore good inspiration. So, I'm riding this train until we reach the end of the track... I just hope it's not off a metaphorical cliff.

Ever since I hijacked my cousin's music from her portable hard drive, I've been revisiting a few of my favorite artists from my adolescence and teenage years. My aptly named "Pop Oldies" playlist boasts songs from multiple albums featuring 98 degrees, Backstreet Boys, and N*Sync. A common theme I'm beginning to notice is love (and dancing--but mostly love). True love. Unrequited love. Everlasting love. Love, love, love.

And while I couldn't for the life of me imagine love existing outside of a realm created by Disney or in storybooks when I was "jammin'" these songs at 13, I certainly have a different view of it now.

Love is special. Love is pure. Love is patient. Love is blind... I believe all these things to be true along with a few other cliches that accompany love. But it's the latter that always makes me wonder. Why is love blind? How is love blind? What does it mean for love to be blind?

I think the core meaning of this phrase is that love makes us blind. You hear of women who refuse to leave their abusive men because they "love" them. You hear of men who are unfaithful to their wives but still claim to "love" them. And talk shows are full of mix-matched couples who the rest of the world wouldn't see sharing a cup of coffee together much less a ten-year marriage... but they're in "love".

We're blind to all fact and reason when we're in love. Because what is love but pure joy? And what is fact but reality? When given the choice, who would pick the latter?

But what do I know? (Absolutely nothing)

I broke the heart of the last man I loved. And while I hope and pray that he'll find love and happiness again in his life because he is an amazing person and a good man, I can't blame him for finding it hard to trust people again. Especially me.

I was blind, then. I was in love. So deeply and truly in love that I didn't see the problems I was facing in our relationship because I loved him and I knew he loved me--What else did we need? And had I lived outside of that fantasy for just one moment, I could have seen the cracks in our picture-perfect photo frame. Had I pulled the blindfold of love off just a moment sooner, I could have talked about what I was feeling and we could have fixed it. We could have worked. We could have made it work.

And it's that exact fact that guards my heart now. I'm so afraid to love again. I'm so afraid to break the heart of another good man. I'm just so afraid that I may be a heart-breaker underneath. I'm afraid that my "I love you" is the kiss of death to any romantic relationship I'm in.

Which is funny, because the current relationship I'm in seems like a fairytale (only without love) now: A handsome, charismatic, charming, blue-eyed prince swept in and rescued me when I was too proud to admit I needed saving. And I admire him for having the courage to do so.

And I thank him for it.

And I cherish what we have.

And I'm falling in love with him.

I'm falling, but I'm tightly grasping every foothold and grip I can find on the way down.

Love is a four-letter word. And like the other four-letter words, it should be used carefully. It should be used sparingly. It empowers some people. It angers others. It shocks. It shames. It... frightens.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

P.S. - And this is why I don't talk about my feelings. So I'll probably deny ever writing this if questioned.