Damn you, Natasha. I need a pocket full of sunshine.

The Psych AP test is tomorrow. I should be studying. I really, really should be studying. But I can't. I can barely focus right now. So, in an attempt to make sense of the storm that's raging inside my head, I'm going to throw some psych terms into this blog. Hold on, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

According to Maslow, we all need to fulfill a hierarchy of needs in order to achieve self-actualization; the highest form of living. Physiological needs should be met first: food, water, shelter, etc. I'm full. Heh, check. Next, our safety needs... No check.

While away with my friend today, I got the strangest call from my daddy. "Kaylyn, you was in my room today?" Psht. As if. Why the hell would I be in your room? "Well, someone was in here...All my stuff is all over the room. Someone went through them cabinets. It's on your momma's side, too." You're crazy, old man. How can you be so toasted at 11am? "Well, somebody was in here..." Well, it wasn't me. "Aww... and I see where they came in, too. Right through this window. Hell, they done broke the window and clammed in here. Somebody broke into the house." Excuse me? Come again. Broke in?!? Our house? My house? Robbers... in my room? "Okay then. I'll call your momma."

That's it then. My safety needs aren't being met at the moment. Which makes it damn near impossible to focus on anything else. The need for safety is dominating my self. I feel so guilty. If I had been home... I should've been home. But I wasn't because I was out with a friend. Out of city. Out of state, actually. Without parental consent. Without parental knowledge... If I had been at home... Assigning blame, I'm sure is a common reaction of guilt. But is it common to blame one's self? If I had been home, I could've stopped them... I could've called the police. I could've... died.

If I had only been home...

.:~o*'Kaylyn'o*~:.

The Final Countdown

He was yelling. Again. He was always yelling about something or another these days. "I told you to put the remote back when you're on that computer," he would say. Or "Wash them dishes; today." It was always something never clean enough, never in the right place, never correct in his eyes.

Fuck him. She didn't need him anymore. Seventeen years brought nothing but the memories of his absense from birthday parties, "family" meetings, school functions, awards nights. She wondered where this learned dependence for him had manifested itself within her. There were plenty of people who survived and thrived without presence such as his. So why did she feel the need for him? Why put up with this shit? There were tests to study for, finals to take, classes to pass.

Three weeks. Just three weeks. She repeated it over and over in her head until it sounded more like an occult chant than a reminder. In three weeks she would be gone and she'd have think very hard about ever coming back to this place. The forms had been filled out in plenty of time. Now, all there was to do was wait. Wait here, with all of his senseless bullshit and take it, until June 2nd - liberation day. She would shed tears for those who would be left behind. But not for him. Never for him. He hadn't deserved them. He'd never deserve them from her. She refused to grant him the satisfaction.

As she pounded at the keyboard in a frenzy of emotion and thought, his voice poured into her ear. "Don't forget to do them dishes tonight." It was more of an order than a reminder.

She slammed into the keyboard, typing very quickly to catch the moment in its rawest form. "Yes sir." she said simply, turning her attention back to her work. She didn't bother taking her eyes from the monitor.

"And I mean all of them. Not just what'll fit in that dishwasher. There's no excuse for that. You hear me?"

Was there no end to this? Must she be constantly reminded of the oppression she felt by him? The disgust at the sound of his voice? The sinking feeling in her heart when he enters a room?

"Okay, Daddy."

Save. Publish blog.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

So, even though I've already been accepted to Southern, I'm still getting letters from other (very persistent) colleges. Here's a letter I've gotten from Northwestern:

"Whoah! What a ride!
This thing called life you mist take in a stride.
You began in kindergarten, writing your name;
This was the first step in your journey to fame.
Second grade proved to ride your nerve,
As cursive writing made you find that curve.
Fifth grade presented you with multiplication tables,
But now pre-calculus? Are you able?
A great big change in junior high-
To that one-classroom-day you said goodbye.
Now it's classes, teachers and notebook change-
it's enough to drive you quite insane.
Guys found girls and girls found guys.
I'm sure you dealt with sigh and cries.
Your freshman year you wanted to hide,
But you couldn't. You'd just learned to drive!
Dances and dating - it was all real fun.
You finally made it, way to go!
But guess what? It gets better you know!
Everywhere you turn the choices abound;
It's enough to spin your head round and round,
One of the biggest, most important you'll make
Is which college to choose. Your future's at stake!
I must admit, I'm partial you know,
But Northwestern State is the way to go.
The people are friendly, there's help all around-
Plus you'll be so impressed with the beauty of town.
You owe it to yourself to give us a look.
You won't find our beauty in any old book.
The first thing you do is apply - go ahead!
Then choose your major - art or pre-med?
If you don't know your major, it's no big deal;
You have time to decide so don't spin your wheels.
Education's important but happiness is too,
Apply and come visit, see if NSU is for you!"

If I wasn't sure about it before, I definitely am now! Haha. Nice try, NSU.

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.