23.6.08

Bah


Here we go again. Me, opening my browser window, logging into blogger, and starting a new post... hoping to write something profound. Or at least likable.


It's funny. Because, honestly, I shouldn't care. This blog is supposed to be mine and mine alone. I should be able to write whatever I want. But I don't. I don't because.. well, because I know other people will read it. Because I know, for some, it's the only glimpse into my life they'll get. And who's fault is that? Yeah. Okay. But still!


Anywayz... Yesterday was amazing. Fresh Market, CVS, Starbucks, Mall and BARNES AND NOBLE!!!! That's all I have to say about that. Barnes. And. Noble. Yup. Be jealous.


While in Barnes and Noble, I noticed something. I'm a writer. An aspiring author. Which I knew already. But it was most definitely confirmed then. The feeling I get when I walk into that place... (or any bookstore, for that matter). I mean, I just have to be a writer!


That's what I need to put on this blog... More shorts. Poems. Writings. I would have to write some though...


.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

13.6.08

Frozen


I don't know what to say. I'm sorry just doesn't seem like enough after all I've put you through. All of you. I've wronged each of you in one way or another, I'm sure. And I am sorry. It's never my intention to hurt anyone, I swear. Like that makes a difference anymore...


What is it about those words that make me feel so bad? I should known what was hurting you. I should known what I've done. What I was doing. Who was I becoming. It's not me. Not the me I want to be. Not the me I'd thought I'd be. The me you need. You couldn't tell me that, could you? So you wrote. And, now, every time I see those words, I'll know that I've done something to hurt you. I find myself frozen; wondering how I could be so oblivious. Why couldn't you just tell me if it bothered you so? How could I have blamed you if the fault was mine? You should've told me. I'm sorry.


Or maybe it's not me. Maybe those words weren't meant to be read by me. Perhaps in my twisted subconscious I feel guilty for neglecting you. I feel guilty because I let you slip away and didn't think twice about picking up a phone. I feel guilty and when I wanted to talk to you, something convinced me not to. I'm sorry.


I'm frozen. Trapped under the ice of my cold, bitchy demeanor. I'm pounding against the thick permafrost that is my ignorance. There's no air here. Only arrogance. I can't breathe. There's no light. Only lies. Will you help me, friend? Will you help me if I say I'm sorry?


.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.

11.6.08

So how's college?


The alarm sounded promptly at 6am. She rolled over and reached out to silence the monotonous buzzing. The snooze button didn't work. It never did. The clock was at least six years old. Was it six? Yes, six sounded about right. Perhaps eight. Instead, she groped along the side of the clock to find the switch which turned the alarm completely off. The siren stopped with a satisfying click. She sighed, sat up, reached into the air and blinked the small dorm room into view.


Her roommate was awake. That was different. Inetta was her name. Her 8am class had been canceled due to the lack of paid students. Lucky bitch. "Bathroom's flooded," she said over her shoulder before going back to the last-minute cram session she'd entered in.


She nodded. Time to start the day. She grabbed the ring of keys from her bedside desk. There were five keys: one for the closet doors, one for the suite and dorm room doors, two for her padlocked trunk under the bed, and the key to her home in Lake Charles. She smiled down at the picture attached to the rings. Such good memories from that night-- April 5th.


The clock now read 6:12 am. She opened the closet and began gathering what she'd need for the morning. It was sad, really, having to lock everything away. But what could she do? With a towel, soap and change of clothes in hand, she headed for the bathroom. A lake stood where tile flooring was meant to be. She sighed. Squish, squish, squish... Her foam shower shoes waded through to the shower. She turned the knob and quickly pulled back. Cold water. Great. Maybe if she allowed it to run for awhile with the knob turned past the engraved 'H'... Still cold.


Oh well. Better than being dirty, she'd decided. Taking a deep breath, she stepped into what was possibly the most uncomfortable shower she'd ever taken. And now she was shivering and covered in chill bumps. But she was clean. Squish, squish... Back into the dorm room.


And now, the freezing temperature that she'd appreciated under the warmth of her covers the night before was her biggest adversary. "Hot water's out, too," she said to her roommate, who had now moved back into her bed. She'd sifted through the clothes in her closet to pick out what to wear to class today. Shorts or capris? Short sleeve shirt or-- who was she kidding? It was going to be about 90 degrees outside. Short sleeve t-shirt and capri pants it was.


She unplugged her phone from the wall. No messages. She inserted her headphones to the device and picked a playlist from the music player application. Morning Mix. "Later." She pressed play. As the guitars began blaring, her steps became faster. It was the cafeteria she made her way to now. She was never really one for eating in the mornings. But, hell, they had some damn good pancakes.


7:40am. Time to begin walking to class. She brought her plate to the slowly moving conveyor belt and disposed of her trash. She dug the phone out of her pocket and found the earphones which were buried in her backpack. Resume music. Once she was alone on the path to the main campus, she began mouthing the words to the song that was playing. "..drink from half of a broken bottle.."


By 10:20, she was done. Thank God. The classes were nothing but tiresome repeats of things she had heard since about the 6th grade. Her notes were detailed and colorful to keep her awake. Back to the dorm for a nap. A long nap. One that would last until about 4:30pm or so. Oh yeah, good stuff.


She signed on to her IM programs. All four of them. It wasn't long before she was prompted with the age-old question: "Hey. So, how's college?"


She smiled. "Good."


.:~o*'Kaylyn'o*~:.