Frozen

I don't know what to say. I'm sorry just doesn't seem like enough after all I've put you through. All of you. I've wronged each of you in one way or another, I'm sure. And I am sorry. It's never my intention to hurt anyone, I swear. Like that makes a difference anymore...

What is it about those words that make me feel so bad? I should known what was hurting you. I should known what I've done. What I was doing. Who was I becoming. It's not me. Not the me I want to be. Not the me I'd thought I'd be. The me you need. You couldn't tell me that, could you? So you wrote. And, now, every time I see those words, I'll know that I've done something to hurt you. I find myself frozen; wondering how I could be so oblivious. Why couldn't you just tell me if it bothered you so? How could I have blamed you if the fault was mine? You should've told me. I'm sorry.

Or maybe it's not me. Maybe those words weren't meant to be read by me. Perhaps in my twisted subconscious I feel guilty for neglecting you. I feel guilty because I let you slip away and didn't think twice about picking up a phone. I feel guilty and when I wanted to talk to you, something convinced me not to. I'm sorry.

I'm frozen. Trapped under the ice of my cold, bitchy demeanor. I'm pounding against the thick permafrost that is my ignorance. There's no air here. Only arrogance. I can't breathe. There's no light. Only lies. Will you help me, friend? Will you help me if I say I'm sorry?

.:~o*'Kaylyn'*o~:.